Saturday, January 24, 2009

no one fucking knows

SuperSkills competition tonight at 7. We might recap it in a very small capacity and mock some people.

We also made some SuperSkills predictions for The Hockey Junkies, who are amazing and should be read daily. They're hilarious, seriously. Read their bit also about Mike Komisarek. . .it will be relevant later.

In other news, we were just hit with the full force of the idea that the Eastern All-Stars have way too many Habs to even look offensively or defensively balanced versus the West, and it's depressing. Fucking Montreal fanboys. Yeah, we said it.

Based on personal style choices, I will now analyze for you in an extremely scientific way which of the Habs came prepared:

Carey Price went with black vertical stripes and some seriously killer shoes. But we still don't think these are big boy clothes. He might be ready, but he'll have to gather his nerves. Expect him to be the recipient of the first goal in the game. We're gonna say Jonathan Toews scores on him within the first minute. Just out of spite, really.


This is one serious fucking cardigan. Andrei Markov is ready.


DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, MICHAEL. OH MY GOD.
Based mostly on his shirt, we're going to agree with the Hockey Junkies on their Mike Komisarek Emotional Instability Theory. He's from Long Island. He plays for the Canadiens. He got into the All-Star Game because of fan voting. We predict an emotional collapse midway through the second period. He will receive intravenous FunDip in the training room before returning to play, strangely serene. We don't know if he'll be able to show up or not trying to figure out what the hell he's doing there.


Serious pants. Kovalev is ready.

HEY I KNOW YOU WANTED ME TO JUST DO THIS ALL FUCKING DAY RIGHT
So, let's get down and dirty with the rest of the ASG boys.


As ready as he'll ever be. Nice sport coat, Timmy.


OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP IT BURNS IT BURNS IT BURNNNNNSSSSSSSS US
Henrik is ready, but not for us to kick him in the teeth.


Hasn't been ready since 2007.


Luongo looks like a goddamned Tenenbaum. We hope he's ready.


If the pants are any indication, Backstrom is the readiest goaltender in the entire game. Holy shit.


Stephane Robidas will have a nervous breakdown when he realizes he's supposed to replace Lidstrom. At least he wasn't supposed to replace Rob Scuderi, because if he realized he had those shoes to fill he wouldn't have showed up. (We love comparing Lidstrom to Rob Scuderi for purposes of sheer ridiculousness, and at times, exposing the truth.) A better shirt might have helped Stephane.


This sweater told us that Mark Streit will be huge.


Shea Weber thought he was on the flight to Istanbul or something and was super confused when they whisked him off to the Queen Elizabeth Fairmont Hotel and forced him to pose for pictures. I mean seriously, does he look comfortable in the least? Bad omen.


Are those brown pants, Tomas? You might actually be ready!


Sheldon's mom had a fucking heart attack because she realized that no one had the common sense to iron his goddamned shirt. Douche. Will not be ready.


Okay so, Zdeno has a bit of an issue dressing himself. We can't excuse him for the color, but he's enormous, so whatevs. But he did do something classy by turning the bullshit Hardest Shot competition into a great charity event. We think that Chara is 100% ready.


Who knew Dan Boyle had an hourglass? He might be ready.


Glasses? Bad polo shirt? Please, Jay Bouwmeester, please be ready. . .


Looks sharp. Will probably show up. Is also ginger?


OH MY GOD MARLEAU
WEARING THAT SWEATER OH WOW
IS FUCKING READY
(so amused by the sweater we had to write our own haiku)


Who told Thomas Vanek that the polo shirt was a good idea? Not ready.


Not a standout, but Tkachuk came totally prepared.


Hasn't been more ready in years. And looks good in white. Who's dressing Joe Thornton? Seriously. Good job.


Eric Staal. Lacoste. Business.


Parise could shock the world and not be ready. We think he is.


Desperately wants to be ready. Might just make an ass of himself.


We are not so sure about this particular cardigan, Vinny Lecavalier. You best be ready.


He's Czech so he's probably ready.


All black is generally the route of amateurs. He probably should have had Patrick Marleau give him some pointers. Despite this he still looks semi-prepared.


OHMYGOD VERY VERY NOT READY ILYA :( :( :(


So not ready it could kill someone.
Wait. . .


Dustin, honey, you work in Los Angeles.
Seriously.
Who told you that was a good color?


No less of a douche.
Surprisingly ready.


We wanted to be able to say that Getzlaf was ready, but his outfit looks like it came from Wal-Mart.


We showed you Malkin's ASG portrait yesterday and he is clearly, clearly ready--it's probably the best photograph of him in years. Here he is instead having the time of his life with Ilya.


Like his life depends on it.


Suit alert. Toews will deliver.


Kaner. . .might be ready in a few years.

Not posing for portraits were: Scott Niedermayer, Martin St. Louis, Marc Savard, Rick Nash, Mike Modano (though he did show up with his squeeze), and Jarome Iginla. So they're OBVIOUSLY not ready.

HONORARY MENTION

All business.

HAIKU CONTEST REMINDER
We will be accepting haikus to win the legendary Chris Pronger hat until the puck drops tomorrow at the All-Star game.
If you scroll up, you will see one of our own haikus about Patrick Marleau and his sweater. Feel free to compose your own haikus about the All-Stars too! Possible themes include: fan voting, wardrobe issues, anything fun that happens during SuperSkills tonight, whatev.
Please send your haikus to puckhuffers@gmail.com.
USE THE SUBJECT LINE "CHRIS PRONGER IS MY HERO."
We would like some more entries before tomorrow! Seriously! Keep 'em coming. Don't stop writing. Don't stop believing. THAT CHRIS PRONGER HAT COULD BE YOURS!!!

THANK YOU FOR BEING WITH US THIS SATURDAY.
Today, go Malkin and go Tanger. Our hearts are with you.

8 comments:

eyebleaf said...

Polo shirts should not be allowed in these pictures. Like, what the fuck, you're millionaires. Dress like it.

Kaberle looks fucked up. Ovie looks really fucked up.

And how the fuck is Robidas on the all-star team? Weird.

slush said...

love the pic of Geno from yesterday. its a wicked good one of him. love me some Geno.

AO looks like he is taking a shit in his pants. such a douche.

And I agree, Eric Staal with the polo, wtf??

wrap around curl said...

Carey Price is so goddamn studly. Like, calllll meeeee?

The Luongo Tenenbaum caused me nearly to shoot Dr Pepper out of my nose. Thanks, dames.

I have a thing for Shea Weber.

Kabby's outfit was something Michael Scott would wear. Actually, he would wear white jeans. I am surprised Kabby didn't.

GIRL PANTS ILYA?! ARE YOU KIDDING?!

Bouwmeester looking a bit like Bill Gates.

Eric Staal; Blue Steel!

Hey Vinny, A COSBY SWEATAH!!!!!

The Goon Blogger said...

I don't even have a relevant comment for this.

I love this blog so much.

Kat said...

Kaner needs to grow about 3 inches to fit into his suit. And lose the LA Looks in his hair. Yuck.

Goodness, my poor Dusty Brown. That's really really not a good color on him.

Vinny rocks that man sweater. Nice.

Mimi said...

I agree with eyebleaf, if you make a little money you should dress like it. Also, I think AO is trying to hide something on top of his head, hairstyle looks like a bad comb forward.

jovi said...

someone plese photoshop Luongo with a "will block for food" sign please.


and AO lookes like he's taking a dump.

Archimedes said...

I didn't know this existed until today...

Proof Giguere isn't ready: He's cleary using a stick that says LUONGO on it..

I mean, I know everyone is using the same stick in every picture, but Giguere is the only portrait that makes it so abundantly clear.

Sad.

Also: Who put that crappy thing on Vinny Lecavalier? If I were him I'd've gone with a dark charcoal t-shirt and fitted jeans.

 
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