Monday, January 26, 2009


Anyone who has ever talked to me for fifteen minutes sober or fifteen seconds drunk knows I probably love Jeff Taffe a little too much. And my question is, why don't you? Can you ever really love Jeff Taffe too much?

Instead of trying to figure out what my very German Energy Physics professor - who has what I believe are felt eyebrows - meant when he said that I have a test due at 10 p.m. tonight, I'm going to tell you why you should probably love Mr. Taffe a little bit more.


Jeff Taffe apparently gets some flack from the guys regarding his position as Minnesota Mr. Hockey in his senior year of high school. I know they are just being the ass-clowns that they are, but lest any of you homers take the title lightly, I will explain to you for a second what this means.

Are any of our readers from Minnesota? If so, let me take a moment to be on your side of this issue. High school hockey is hot shit. At least in Minnesota it is. Getting to the championships is every kid's dream growing up, often more so than hoisting the cup. Minnesota boys from the Miracle on Ice team had some things to say about beating the Soviet team not being as exciting as just participating in the Minnesota championships. I'm not saying I would agree, I'm just trying to say that high school hockey is clearly some serious shit to them. And Jeff Taffe was the best of them, or at least according to NHL scouts and division 1 coaches.

As homework reading, I assign to you Blades of Glory, because it's a fucking good book. About Minnesota high school hockey. DO IT.


Jeffe Taffe currently leads the entire WBS team with 18 goals 30 assists, and 48 points in 41 games. He is fifth overall in the AHL with points. Did we mention the man is all business?

The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Well, I became ready to admit my Jeff Taffe problem the moment I tried to save that picture and got this warning:

Absolutely fucking not.

AHLers play like they mean it. They are scrappy and vicious and filled with a runaway desire to prove that they are worth it. One of the reasons we love TK so much is the fact that he acts like it's his first game from a call up every single time he steps onto the ice.

Jeff Taffe is a man. He plays like a hero when we need him to but his contract keeps him from coming up as often as he should. If anyone ever steals him between teams I will pretty much be bed ridden for the rest of the season. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN.

On the subject,
Ben Lovejoy has a +25, best in the AHL.
Chris Minard leads the league in PPG and is tied for the most game-winners (7)
Of the people Minard is tied with he's played as many as eleven fewer games.


As a dude, Jeff Taffe is a superb human being. We want him to come over and drink a few beers with us and enjoy cold pizza from the back of the fridge while we watch Cops reruns on television. We're particularly fond of the Mardi Gras and Ho Ho Ho episodes. Here's an Inside Penguins Hockey video of Mr. Taffe alongside Jarkko. It makes you just want to hang out with the guy.

Like, seriously, you bring the Carlsberg and we'll bring some MST3K and we can all just get blasted and pass out on the futon. Best. Night. Ever.

In other news, here is a video of Malkin being happy if you don't voyage over to Penstv that often:

Can I just say that if this mood and this confidence have been caused by Alexander Ovechkin in any capacity, I will personally give him a hug and merrily ride a segway with him into the mother fucking sunset. Seeing Malkin happy and outgoing with the media has for some reason made us conclude that after the All Star break the Penguins will be back with a vengeance.
Hell, we're probably going to win the cup.
But we've told you that one before.

Maybe we'll be a little nicer to the ASG next year.
We still doubt it.

Biz Nasty and Billy Thomas on their way up.
Orpik still not back.
Talbot and Dupuis are in.
Never losing again.

Jeff Taffe has scored on his first shot of the AHL All-Star Game late in the second period.
Pure beast.
Canadians are up 8-5.
Come on PlanetUSA! Third period team!
Sorry, Minard, but Lovejoy's on the other team, too. :(

Taffe stepped it up in the third period. He has two goals, an assist, and a +3 for PlanetUSA as they work to come back from a one-goal deficit. The score is 11-10. Wooooo.


EDIT x4:
PlanetUSA takes the lead.
Do it boys.

PlanetUSA wins it. Taffe got another assist. Final score was 11-14.
MVP given to Jared Ross.

Jared Ross is a Philadelphia Phantom.
This was Taffer's night.


eyebleaf said...

If the Penguins call up Taffe, they're never losing again, right?

debrisslide said...

The Penguins are never losing again either way. Bissonnette and Thomas will help. They've been near Jeff Taffe long enough to know what is important in life.

25superstar said...

Taffe is the shit
and happy geno=money

KD said...

Somehow, somewhere, my mom found an autographed picture of Jeff Taffe and Brooks Orpik. It was Christmas gold. Best. Present. Ever.

wrap around curl said...

It's nice to know I label pictures the same way.

The other day I got "are you sure you want to replace 'hottiemchotthotttokarski'?" Oh, no. It became hottiemchotthotttokarski2.

Kimberlass said...

My most common I believe is "areyoufuckingserious" which has gotten up to like, number 15 or something.

It normally involves Max Talbot being an ass...or Evgeni with a fish.

Nulpher said...

Taffe with a hat trick.

The Goon Blogger said...

Taffe to Twine.

Annie S said...

There is fucking absolutely nothing like going to check your email and seeing two messages from Facebook saying "Paul Bissonnette and John Curry have confirmed you as a friend". Best. Day. Ever.

(Though thisclose behind was seeing "Brooks Orpik has confirmed you as a friend".)

Solid fucking work, girls. Does this count as a "WHY _____ IS A MAN" type of post?

Kimberlass said...

Next in line: Timmy Wallace.


Anyway, WHIAM is strictly NHL players. We'll do one again one day, I promise.

debrisslide said...

Annie, pretty much. We also like to think we helped him do well tonight. . .sending good vibes over to Worcester.

I'm also friends with Ryan Whitney somehow. Kim is friends with the Alaskan Storm but I'm pretty sure he rejected me. WEIRDDDD.

wrap around curl said...

I am even friends with Vesa. And Luke Schenn. And Ian White.

Kimberlass said...

Yeah, Vesa friends everyone, he just hasn't been on. Ruining my life.

Nulpher said...

Staff, add this to your collection of Taffe data:

His Uncle in law is Wayne Gretzky

Nulpher said...

Since the link didn't work (For some unknown reason):

Jordan said...

Didnt get to see the ahl asg but i did see the skills comp, and they kept pronouncing it Taffy for the whole first half of it. Pisses me off. He was a beast in the pass and shoot.

Oh yeah, i want that old lady from the video to be my grandma.

rach the h said...

Love me some Jeff Taffe. What an excellent post to start the week with.

Pens are definitely never losing again because Billy Thomas is back up. Woooooo. After he records his point(s) as a Pen, I nominate him for CMN Friday. You heard it here first.

rach the h said...

Make that "records his FIRST point(s) as a Pen."

Clearly, I should not be going to class today.

eyebleaf said...

I hope the Leafs trade Vesa to Pittsburgh. You can have him. We don't want him anymore. He's a slutty, slutty goalie.

debrisslide said...

We really don't have room for him. We only hope that he can go somewhere where he is loved. Why is he a slutty, slutty goalie?

eyebleaf said...

He has trouble closing his legs.

A 3.29 GAA and a .885 save percentage = slut.

Hept-Rossi said...

Imagine how much more of a beast Taffe would have been if he had kept that mean coif of hair from his high school days. Maybe he is like Samson and he had to lose his hair to make it more fair for the other players.

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