Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Yes, yes, the moment you've all been so desperately waiting for is finally here. We have selected our winner, and four runners-up. The runners-up will receive some special little prizes that we are having shipped hot and fresh from the Great North (it's a surprise, sorry), and the winner will receive this beautiful Chris Pronger hat, found miraculously in the Uniontown Ollie's:

To just think that this hat could be yours.
Is it everything you've dreamed of? Can you taste it?

IF YOU WON, WE NEED YOU TO E-MAIL US AT PUCKHUFFERS@GMAIL.COM. You'll have to include an address to which you want your prize to be shipped and some kind of name that we can call you by. I mean, you wouldn't want your brat sister/roommate/girlfriend/whatever to get their filthy paws on your Chris Pronger hat because it came in a suspicious unmarked package, would you? We didn't think so. Put "CHRIS PRONGER IS STILL MY FUCKING HERO" as the subject line, if you don't mind.

The order of the runners-up really doesn't mean anything, you're all getting the same prize.

We're doing this in reverse order because we like suspense.

The Staals are brothers
Raised in Thunder Bay, with sod
Staals Staals Staals Staals Staals
by 1wingangel

The last line of this one is what makes it sheer brilliance.

Too many bonghits
Sad, despondent, dejected
Apple-bong ignored
by Brianna

You remembered Kris's apple bong! Really, that's just heartwarming.

You can bruise his face
You can explode his pinky
you can't touch his jaw
by Jared

Haikus about Rob Scuderi's jaw are the way to any woman's heart. Seriously.

Man Purse of Vesa
I really like it a lot
Bedazzle my shirt
by Kristen

Okay, maybe the order of this one does matter. IT'S FUCKING BRILLIANT. Vesa and his man purse and his bedazzled Mickey. . .oh. . .it just makes us blush thinking about how clueless and Finnish Vesa is. But Kristen understands. Film at 11.

Here it is for real. Sorry, we just hadn't done that in a long time.


Who do you think won? Seriously. What do you think could top a haiku about an apple bong, Vesa Toskala, the sod farm, and the chiseled face of Rob Scuderi, American Hero?

Well, it is this.

scott hartnell, fat fuck
i hope you eat broken glass
you fat, fat, fat, fuck
by Jordan
(capitalization preserved from the original, because it's too beautiful to change)

I texted this to Kim as soon as I got it and she almost puked in class laughing at it.
It's brilliant. Much like the Staal poem, the last line pretty much makes it. It is so so so amazing. Jordan sent us a lot of haikus, but this one was obviously far, far ahead of any of them. It's truly poetic. It is deserving of a Chris Pronger St. Louis Blues baseball hat. Not many things are.

Well, thank you for joining us for our very first haiku contest. You have helped us make history. LISTEN THESE WERE SO HARD TO PICK OKAY. We got a lot of entries and many of them made us laugh out loud and type in all caps to each other and scream in delight. But there could only be so many winners. We invented the runners-up only because there were too many good ones to go unrewarded, and even with FOUR GODDAMN RUNNERS-UP we were still hopelessly torn. They were all so wonderful. Thank you so, so much for your skills. Your poetry. Your comic timing. YOUR ARTISTIC SENSITIVITY. We love you all.

Don't forget to e-mail us if you won.


Rangers tomorrow but we'd be excited for a fucking Tampa Bay/New Jersey game or something. Like, any kind of hockey is good hockey after these All-Star shenanigans. Don't kill yourselves just yet, everyone.

If you're about to start huffing used pucks or something, Detroit/CBJ is on tonight. Everyone knows that Detroit has been whining about Datsyuk and Lidstrom being forced to miss because they wouldn't show their faces at the ASG. Let's watch Steve Mason stone 'em.


wrap around curl said...

That was just amazing. Really.

Also tonight it's the Leafs/Wild. Sad to report ladies, but the Vesa won't be playing. But Pogs will be!

Jordan said...

Finally, my sheer hatred for Scotty Hartnell paid off. I thought it would just simmer in my stomach, and build, and build, and build, and build until.......BOOM! Mass murder spree.

Big thanks to the PF staff for letting me express this emotion in a positive way before things got ugly. Uglier than, dare i say.....Scott Hartnell?

And big thanks to Scott Hartnell for being my muse....you fat, fat, fat, fuck. I'll hate you forever, you son of a bitch.

p.s. Rot in hell.

Jared said...

I have never been prouder to have a man-crush on rob scuderi.

debrisslide said...

Pogge is okay, Heather, but we'd really only watch for Vesa. Maybe for Luke if we were really, really bored.

25superstar said...

these haikus made my day.
way to go, brilliant hockey fans. :]

Molly said...

hahaha those were hilarious.
i'm thinking you guys should post the honorable mentions as well.
so i can laugh some more!

Jordan said...

yeah, you should post all of them

Allison said...

ph posting all of them would make my fuckin day- just saying
ive been fantasizing about haiku after haiku for all the different players, but alas, I'll be content with these AMAZING winners and runners up

Good job guys :)

debrisslide said...

We didn't want to post them all because we thought it would be bitchy to be like OH THIS ONE WAS AWESOME AND WE LOLED BUT YOU DIDN'T WIN SHIT.

Allison said...

oh, i get it, but if it were me, id be understanding and not be insulted... i was just interested to see all the different approaches people took, and just to lol all day long :)

and im interested to see how many similiarities there were cause i know my (too late) staal one was so close to the one you posted. i think its funny in and of itself that people came up with similiar haikus for them staal boys.

Hand of Godard said...

There's no shame in losing to any of those haikus. The winner made a little bit of water come out of my nose.
You are going to eventually let everyone know what the runners up won, right? The suspense is killing me.

Raybin said...

I say post of all of them.

Since I missed this, I just composed this on the spot here at work while I'm wasting time and ducking my boss:

Cal Clutterbuck - hero
Pulsing masculinity
Platonic man crush

eyebleaf said...


Hand of Godard said...

What the fuck.
I guess the NHL is trying to sabotage the Pens season just like it's doing to Detroit.

1wingangel said...

I'm fourth runner up
Haiku reveal made my day
What the hell's my prize?

Still a little high on the haiku frenzy. Seriously, thanks. I was hoping the Staal Brothers OD would come through for me.

I must say that I love EVERYONE'S haikus... and I would love to see all of them.

Keep contests, and fat Scott Hartnell haikus, coming.

Allison said...

Jeapordy style-

Caregory: Facts that Pittsburgh Penguins' fans are constantly reminded of during broadcasts.

He has three brothers
They grew up on a sod farm
He has a long reach

Who is Jordan Staal?

ding ding ding

Molly said...

aww man!
you still should post it and say "these suck. go read the other ones for inspiration"

hahah JK! but i'd still REALLLLLLY wanna see the others....!!!???!

Rina said...

WOOT! Third runner up! :D
xD Oh crap, I'm dying thinking about what we're getting.
You rock my hockey-loving, Hartnell-abhoring socks off.

Beav said...

I think I should have won because my haiku had Steve Mason being a God and Rick Nash scoring a hat trick. Pretty much what happened tonight, just saying.

debrisslide said...

Beav, you also said that they still won't make the playoffs. It's that kind of negativity that loses contests. ;)

We love CBJ though. We want them to make the playoffs. . .as long as the Pens get the four points they need from them this season, we're rooting for them indefinitely.

Jared said...

i just can't find it in my heart to root for a team from ohio.

Mullets and Peanut Butter said...

Reading the Fatty Hartnell haiku while beating a counter with a glove makes it that much better.

I can't wait to see what epic prize awaits my first runner-up Man Purse haiku! woooooooooooooo

debrisslide said...

Jared, I know Ohio is a wasteland but CBJ fans are generally classy and this season the team is the definition of the underdog. I mean, they play in the same division as the defending Cup champs and they've never even made the playoffs. If they manage to make it this season it will be such a fairy tale for them and their fans. No one deserves it more, really. You see them work hard every night, which is more than can be said of the Pens for a good chunk of this season. . .

Pens are still our #1 boys. Don't get us wrong. But CBJ is fun to watch.

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