Everyone knew this game was important.
The Penguins needed these points.
The phrase "Our playoffs start today" rung in the ears of every Pens fan who tuned in.
Maybe you were playing the Staal Brothers drinking game to dull the pain.
But like any good drunken slut, the New York Rangers showed up at the party looking good and eventually ended up wasted and with their panties halfway down their thighs in the bathroom, vomiting profusely.
These awards have been a long time coming. Fuck the All-Star Game. Sorry if my skills are a little rusty.
MOMENT THAT YOU BARELY REMEMBERED BY THE END OF THE GAME
Colton Orr and Godard drop 'em three seconds in.
It was frankly looking like a stalemate until Godard threw a gigantic right.
Yeah, this totally set the tone. It's what the Pens have needed to do all season. Just show the other assholes you mean fucking business before you let them start playing their imaginary hockey game.
Colton Orr goes down. Godard is a hero. Play continues. The momentum will shift so many times throughout this game that we can't even keep track--but this started everything.
THE MOMENT YOU STARTED DRINKING
We'll keep you up with a shot count as the recap continues. It's all Rangers after the fight, unfortunately, and we are reminded that the Staals are brothers. That is ONE SHOT, everyone.
Whits realizes that Zherdev has arrived at the party.
WHY IS HE HERE WITH VOROS
HE LOOKS SO FAT IN THAT DRESS
I WOULD LOOK SO MUCH BETTER IN THAT DRESS
I SHOULD TELL EVERYONE HE'S BULIMIC
You think about mixing yourself a Robitussin cocktail. This could get bad.
YOUR FIRST INTENSE TEMPERATURE OF THE EVENING
Maybe you feel a little warm about the face with all this drinking. The Rangers are doing fucking everything. Then Minard shows everyone why he's such a goddamn warrior. He throws a bad angle shot at the net, to surprise Lundqvist, to get the goddamn rebound. Petr fucking Sykora knows where he needs to be.
We notice a little something different in Petr's goal celebration.
He's like FUCKING FUCKING YES BITCHES. I OWN YOUR FUCKING SWEDISH PRETTY BOY.
Boucher is celebrating along because he found Nikolai passed out on the lawn without his bra on. We won't have to worry about that bitch stealing our thunder.
You've got the Fever.
MOST EPIC PENALTY KILL
Crosby was destroying the lives of everyone on the entire team when Mara decides to put himself in the position of Dupuis' stick. Huge power play for the Rangers to really deflate us.
Fleury says no.
The puck won't get out.
This will be a recurring theme.
But Billy Thomas is everywhere. Cleared and killed.
Pittsburgh's favorite son. Move over, Ryan Malone.
THE MOMENT YOU KNEW MALKIN WAS GOING TO HAVE TO GET HIS POINTS QUIETLY AGAIN
Malkin rushes ahead leading a 4-on-2, but it's offside.
Then Malkin manages one of the more beautiful passes of the night to Dupuis, who can't bang it past Lundqvist.
He'll manage an assist later on and all to keep the Art Ross quest rolling, but really. We just wanted to see one of those things connect. Instant pregnancy.
The Rangers realize they're probably going to be outplayed and try to get away with the worst offside so far this season.
Period winds down.
THAT WAS FAST.
Back at the party, the keg hasn't even arrived yet.
BEST PROGNOSTICATOR IN THE NHL
Has a tendency to make shit happen.
He tells Potash during intermission that the Penguins are going to win.
Petr = saw the third period in a vision.
The second period wasn't invited.
BEST ATTEMPTS TO GET YOU DRUNK
You need to down two more shots to start the second when Jordan is referred to as the "sour Staal brother" for not being involved in the All-Star weekend and Thunder Bay makes a riveting appearance. That's THREE SHOTS.
Tyler Kennedy tries to get your attention back by having a Jesuslike shift with Satan.
BEST ATTEMPTS TO GET YOU SUICIDAL
Talbot goes hard to the net looking for a rebound, and Nigel Dawes thinks it's prime time to shove Max into Henrik. Max goes to the box for charging. Terrible call. Killed.
Then the Pens get stuck on a bad shift in the defensive zone with their penalty killers still on the ice. Malkin tries to clear it. Talbot tries to lift it past the Rangers defensemen. . .but it goes out. Delay of game penalty. No one knows what's going on.
Well, maybe not so bullshit if you, like us, got ahold of the alternate NHL rulebook that is occasionally used without warning. A sample:
Damn you, Iceburgh.
Almost a good idea that Matt Cooke wasn't playing tonight.
Killed faster than Marc-André Fleury's groin flexion.
Pens want it. Chances are everywhere. Nothing going in, though.
We are reminded as the period ends that the Staals are one of the most durable families in the NHL. If you're counting and haven't downed an entire bottle of Jack by now, that's FOUR SHOTS.
MOST HILARIOUS GOAL OF THE NIGHT (AND THERE WERE A LOT TO CHOOSE FROM)
Early in the third, J.Staal throws it in front and. . .it's in?
Honorary shot for the existence of this photograph. That's FIVE SHOTS.
Marc went off for holding like right after this happened.
STAALS STAALS STAALS
MOMENT WHEN THE PARTY STARTED GETTING REALLY UGLY
The Rangers defense starts doing Jagerbombs in the basement shortly after Marc Staal's penalty expires.
Letang walks into the living room and notices Lundqvist's girlfriend passed out under the pong table.
He just snapped it in. Effortless shit.
Suddenly it's 3-1.
"Kris, if you get the legs I'll pick her up under the arms and we can get her to my van."
Errey is upstairs in some kid's bedroom and let's be honest, the quality of this shit is good. The bowl is going around and Errey lets the world know he wouldn't be surprised if Letang scored again.
It almost happens. You want some of that weed. But you're too busy trying to see if Malkin took any cell phone pictures of Henrik's girlfriend topless.
Penguins end up on the good side of a 5-on-3 because Redden and Kalinin are getting really, really drunk.
There's Sykora. No surprise there. One of those patented Sykora wristers that no one will ever be able to save. Ever.
Petr Fucking Fever, cunts.
Zherdev tried to dance with TK and Biz at the same time.
He better not do that if he doesn't want to get tag-teamed.
The "GO HOME RANGERS" chant makes an appearance, and Gomez and Naslund start leading a rush for a change.
"Hey Marc, have you seen the rest of our offense?" Scotty calls. "We're trying to get out of here sooner rather than later. This is getting fucking ugly. Did you see Nikolai? We think everyone found out about his eating disorder."
"Naw man," says Marc. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Um, give the puck to Staalsy, Gomez, we need to get out of this dump," Naslund says.
The defense has to pick up the slack.
THE MOMENT IT ALL TURNED INTO A BITCHFIGHT
Letang steals the show as the game's scoringest defenseman as he splits the defense and does something fucking Crosbylike with the puck to beat Lundqvist. It's unreal. It's his first career two-goal game and you're like "daaaaaamn Tanger, mmmmmmmmm."
5-2. No complaints over here.
Shortly thereafter, Naslund attacks Ryan Whitney in protest of all offensive defensemen everywhere.
"THAT WAS MY FUCKING DEFENSEMAN RYAN WHY DO YOU GUYS ALWAYS HAVE TO GET ALL THE ATTENTION I CAN'T STAND THE DRAMA I THINK I NEED SOME NEW FRIENDS OKAY"
Both of them end up in the box.
The credits for Laguna Beach roll.
THE MOMENT THE PENS THREW IN JUST IN CASE YOU'D FORGOTTEN SIDNEY CROSBY
"I just played terrible. That's what happened," Lundqvist said. "I can't explain it. As a team we played great the first two (periods) and I played pretty good, I think, and I make a mistake on the second goal and then they get another one on the power play. I just lost my game in the third, totally, and that's definitely not good enough.
"I didn't stop the puck in the third. I'm upset with myself right now."
Voros leaves in a huff. He wishes he'd never showed up at the party with Zherdev. What a mistake.
BEST LAY AT THE PARTY
We're starting to think Therrien gets more action in the back of Malkin's van than Malkin does.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Rob Scuderi - Was fucking everywhere.
2. Miro Satan - Actually played.
3. Nikolai Zherdev - The first step to recovery is realizing that you have an illness, that you need help. Don't worry, there are support groups for this.
Let's not sell Fleury short here, though. His second period performance gave the Pens their chance to win.
All in all, an exciting night at the frat.
The Pens have accepted their bloodright to this fraternity of the realest men in the NHL.
We'll take whatever shit you have to throw at us because we're PI EPSILON NU, BITCHES.
. . .Lame joke, but we're in college.
Good job tonight, boys.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Everyone knew this game was important.