Tuesday, December 30, 2008
So, Kim and I recently spent a day in Pittsburgh. We went to the zoo and ate amazing Chinese downtown. It was glorious. There is truly so much to do in Pittsburgh--so much more than in Boston. Wherever you go, there are people around, the city is moving, exciting, and you never know what's going to be around the next corner. Pittsburgh is the kind of city you can get lost in and not give a damn. The streets, the hills, the endless labyrinthes and unexpected views, the distinct neighborhoods, the honest effort you have to put forth to get everywhere, to learn your way around. The way everything is precariously perched on an unlikely angle. The terrible roads. The weird turns. The slag heaps. The hardworking people, the goofiness of them. It is the best city in America. Boston gets dead, Boston gets annoying, Boston is just a bunch of expectations that no one ever quite lives up to. Not that there aren't parts of Boston that I love. I love my school and I love Chinatown and the many outlying areas of Boston, such as Cambridge and Brookline and Somerville. But Boston can suck a cock, because most modern-day Bostonians you meet are entitled rich white assholes. And it's easy to get bored in Boston. Believe me, I'm in college there. If college kids can't keep busy in Boston, you know it's a town with issues.
What does this have to do with hockey? Absolutely nothing. But we'd rather watch the Pens lose at home to the Bruins than be hometown Bruins fans. Because their city will never be as great as Pittsburgh is. And if you watched the game, their hockey team really isn't all that great either. Much like Bostonians, the Bruins tend to get everything handed to them.
Let's examine this trend, awards show style.
Before the game, FSN decides to take us deep within the Penguins' souls on the subject of New Year's resolutions. We learn that Jordan Staal still eats chocolate, that Fleury is still late for everything, that Biz Nasty just wants a shot on net in the NHL, for Christ's sake.
But Max Talbot takes the question very, very seriously. He thinks. He tells us in his most sincere tone that he desires more patience, that he wants to think through his actions more. With his 25th birthday looming, this is a "turning point" in Max's life. We believe you, Max. We're pretty sure you're not going to end up naked on the Internet again. But of course, we have no proof that you weren't drunk during your interview. We'll give you the award, pending the results of a drug test. Regardless of what happens, we love you anyway.
TERRIBLE SIGNS THAT YOU DIDN'T NOTICE BECAUSE IT WAS STILL TIED
Whitney-Gill is the opening d-pair. The Bruins commit icing and Fleury makes a few huge saves to start things off right. Fedotenko beat the Bruins to a puck in their own end to cancel icing, but the referees disagree. Really, we should have seen this as an omen. We then find out that Goligoski is playing wing, for whatever reason. Mark Eaton ends up in the box, but we're used to that. Killed. One of the Bruins snatches a puck out of the air for a great glove save. Both goaltenders are standing tall in general. The Pens' PK comes through again when Sykora ends up in the box for a bullshit delay of game. You're not worried. Staal makes a beautiful poke check to thwart the Bruins' rush once again. Good times in PK land. You barely notice we're a man down, of course forgetting to ask yourself why the bad breaks have even been happening.
MOST UNLIKELY CENTERMAN
For some reason, Dustin Jeffrey is centering a line with Fedotenko and Sykora. Fedo brings the puck ahead with some great battling along the boards. Gets it to Jeffrey, who takes a bad angle shot, something the Pens are sorely needing lately. Our farm team boys are INSANELY good. Thomas makes the pad save. Fedo touches it, and it bounces back on Thomas. But the next rebound is to the stick of Petr Sykora.
Dustin Jeffrey's first NHL point, a secondary assist.
MOMENT YOU BARELY REMEMBERED BY THE END OF THE GAME
Thanks to Dustin Jeffrey in general, the Bruins play the rest of the period demoralized. They trip Orpik. We recover well from their attempts to clear and pressure them a lot. Phil Kessel gets a breakaway chance, but Malkin owns him utterly and completely. At this point, you know we're winning. You can taste it.
At the end of the period, Boston has yet to block a shot. Jokes.
I predict a Tim Wallace natural hat trick in the third. Just for fun.
MOST UNCERTAIN PARENTAGE
They say Zdeno Chara is Slovak, but we're pretty sure that the Bruins GM found him in the woods decades ago, wrapped in a blanket, apparently lost from the passing circus caravan. He was a normal child aside from slight jaundice. By feeding him a diet of egg yolks and boiled testicles, he was grown to inhuman size and forced to play hockey.
He ties it up on one of those cross-crease plays. Okay. We don't care.
Phil Kessel punches Talbot in the back of the head for no apparent reason. Talbot defends himself. Two minutes each for roughing. Thomas robs Crosby on the ensuing 4-on-4. Fleury does some robbery himself. Man, was he trying.
THE TIME OF UTTER GENEROSITY
Malkin apparently can commit a hooking penalty without touching anyone. 4 on 3. They score on a completely gross shot from right in Fleury's kitchen. We see a line of Malkin-Crosby-Dupuis ruining lives. Dupuis proves his worth again with a rocket slapshot, which he is apparently great at, thanks to an awesome steal at the blueline by Crosby.
Tie game. Did the Penguins give up a lead at Mellon again? We can't remember. We're battling back. It feels good.
Oh wait, Phil Kessel reminds everyone why he's so good at cheap shots. 3-2.
Malkin is given an interference penalty immediately following a face-off, another gift from the officials, who apparently wanted to give him SOMETHING for being such a beast. We see it replayed and it was apparently a penalty for playing hockey. Somehow the Pens keep them off the scoreboard to end the period. Errey is hopeful heading into the third.
BEST PENALTY KILL THAT DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Matt Cooke gets two minutes for nothing.
Hal Gill and Dustin Jeffrey are both PK geniuses, and Staal gets a shorthanded chance, but the refs have given the Bruins another present, the momentum.
They interfere with Crosby, just for fun.
Somehow this ends up in a goal for Martin St. Pierre and his impossibly long stick, which Errey hasn't shut up about all night.
They had a 3-on-1 during a Penguins power play.
Were we winning this at some point?
Goligoski tries to own Kessel, hook'd, their PP, imaginary goal by Wideman, blah blah blah blah blah HUGLAGHUAGLAHAG
NOW WE'RE JUST GETTING SPITEFUL
Eaton was hobbled blocking a shot.
You almost want him to be injured so we can see less of him.
Apparently Dustin Jeffrey is the only player on the Penguins team that gives a shit.
The Bruins try to have sex with Jeffrey in protest of his giving a shit. No call. The Penguins stop playing hockey, freeing up some time on the airwaves for discussion of Errey's obsession with stick tape.
Sykora called for hooking. No one saw it.
EATON WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HURT WHY IS HE KILLING THE PENALTY OH MY FUCKING GOD
You probably shot yourself in the face before the penalty was killed.
BRIGHTEST SPOT OF THE GAME
Wallace held his own in a fight with the larger, more thuggish Milan Lucic.
We fucking hate Milan Lucic. Wallace didn't own him, but the fact that Wallace fought like a man is enough for us.
Lucic gets an extra two for roughing since he basically took cheap shots at Wallace to instigate the fight.
The Alaskan Storm didn't give a shit.
Nothing happens on the power play.
Suck our cocks.
BEST EFFORT FOR THE PENS TONIGHT
In some postgame commentary, Errey says that the Penguins need to "go after a Chara" if they want to start winning games.
We're into this.
Some people need to go down.
Matt Cooke, we're looking at you to get the job done. You are one beastly motherfucker, failed Cookie Breaks aside.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
Actually, I'm not even doing this.
Whoever spoke up at the players only meeting that was held after tonight's game, you have our hearts always and forever.
The next time the Pens play, it will be a new year.
We look forward to it.
Because we know they're men and they can absorb their losses and turn it around.
Talbot has been steadily improving. Gill is back. Fleury is a beast, especially when the defense doesn't hang him out to dry. *COUGH*
We have talent, skills, and a system that could fucking ruin Boston's, if we'd FUCKING PLAY IT.
Asshole referees don't help either.
Sometimes momentum gets shifted and there's nothing you can do.
We're over it.
Go Pens 2009.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Yep, it's time to dredge up an old friend, the WHY HE IS A MAN feature. I will also talk about Boston a little.
Sorry about drunkblogging last night. *blush* I guess it's something I'll have to get used to.
Name: Timothy Wallace, Alaskan Storm, Ph.D.
Occupation: Ruining Lives
WHEN HIS MANLINESS WAS SO APPARENT THAT EVEN THE DOUBTERS WERE SILENCED
This is the moment we like to call Tim Wallace's first career NHL point. But he didn't even get a + in the stats for it, let alone a credited assist. But he did it. It was his doing.
Bad times in Flyers land. Pens would lose the game by some ridiculous score. Tim Wallace stood up some Flyer at the blueline like he'd been in the game for decades. Before heading to the bench, he got the puck to Fedo, who got it to Goligoski, who got it to Staalsy. Wham-bang. Biron may have had nightmares about Staal after the game, but it's Wallace that the Flyers should really fear. It's that kind of physical, energy play that the Penguins really benefit from. It was only his third game with the team, and it wasn't hard to be immediately impressed by him. We were on our feet after that goal. We were like, "Nice job J.Staal, but Tim Wallace is a FUCKING MAN."
LAST TIME HE GOT A CITY PREGNANT
Wallace's ability to impregnate might be a little hard to detect at times. We're going to go for what the record will show as his first NHL point. We certainly recall ourselves getting a little tingly with the complete manliness he displayed in Buffalo, but in Atlanta he made a completely amazing pass through three Thrashers to Mattie Cooke for a breakaway that made him look like Evgeni Malkin. Cooke might have finished you off, but that baby's gonna be hobbit-cute. Just like Tim Wallace.
WHAT HE DOES IN HIS SPARE TIME
Apparently, walks up to bears eating baby moose on golf courses.
Ask Bob Errey for details.
Truth be told, Tim Wallace is the #1 enemy of bears worldwide. They fear him. At yearly conventions, various species of bears contemplate the issue of how best to stop Tim Wallace from owning their asses. No conclusion is ever reached. Even hockey teams who have named themselves after bears find themselves strangely affected by his presence. We trace this back to an incident in January, when the Hershey Bears beat the Baby Pens 3-1 thanks to a stellar goaltending performance.
Wallace, reportedly disappointed at being stoned by Frederic Cassivi, dedicated his life to the destruction of bears.
He takes his job very, very seriously.
HOW HE BENDS THE UNIVERSE TO HIS WILL
He checks the universe into the boards and tells it to grow the fuck up.
The universe wonders what hit it.
The Alaskan Storm just blew through.
It picked your pocket and fucked your wife.
And let's be honest, the universe's wife is HOT.
Oh, Timmy Wallace. We are so deeply in love with you.
OH WAIT IT'S BRUINS TIME
If you aren't from Boston, you are a traitor if you even for a nanosecond tolerate the sense of entitlement that emanates from Bostonians when you ask them about their sports teams. It is disgusting.
The Penguins are one of the few teams that have been able to take the Bruins to task on their own ice. Tim Thomas got owned by Evgeni Malkin in a shootout. It was good times. We spoiled their home opener. It felt glorious.
The Bruins being at the top of the East is pretty made up. Their schedule has been like a walk in the park compared to the one the Pens have had to deal with.
Pens have sucked at home lately, but we're still winning. Actually, we're never losing again.
Bring it, motherfuckers. We have Hal Gill back. Staalsy will be the youngest NHL player in history to play 200 NHL games.
If you're still crying, Petr Sykora knows what's up, as per the Trib:
"Every team goes through this," forward Petr Sykora said. "Every team that goes a long way in the playoffs at some point in the next season feels it, loses that step for a while.
"The best way to get out of it is to play smart and keep working hard. Eventually it will turn around. We have a great hockey club here. I've got no worries."
Do you have the Fever?
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Zoe just snorted.
This is Kim and Zoe. We are drunk.
We have broken in to a tattoo parlor to tell you that you should SAVE THE FUCKING DATE for the Rags game on the 5th to watch us live blog the Staal drinking game.
THAT IS RIGHT WE ARE IN A TATTOO PARLOR. SUCK IT. WE HAVE PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE. YOU CAN GO TO HELL IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE US.
Nikos says hi. So does Andio.
Watch us. Fags.
KISSES. WE ARE LEAVING. GOOD BYE.
We actually do feel positive about this week. Believe it or not.
Here are five reasons why you need to stop complaining.
1.) Fleury got himself a badass shutout.
And he'll probably get a lot more, because he's kind of a beast.
2.) Ryan Whitney is back. Need we say more?
3.) We feel that this is the start of something greater. Over the past week, save for the Tampa Bay embarrassment, we've seen something in the Pens that we haven't seen in a damn long time. And that's effort. That's heart. That's making the other team work for what they get. We're going to hazard a guess and say that the rest of the season looks really, really good for the Pittsburgh Penguins. They've found the pieces of the puzzle, and if they can keep it up, it's solid all the way. Playing the way we played against the Habs means a lot of goals and a lot of wins. Maybe not all the time (see: Habs game) but a lot of the time.
4.) Tampa Bay still sucks. They need a miracle to make the playoffs. And can we just laugh at Steven Stamkos for awhile?
The man with his mouth open above Stamkos' head is also pretty clutch.
5.) 2009 is coming. We love New Year's and new beginnings, clean slates if you will. The Flyers are preparing for the New Year correctly by getting shut out by Columbus. Congratulations. Especially Steve Mason. Crank this shit.
So yeah. Things are looking up. Stop crying.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
We outplayed the Habs for most of the game.
Mellon didn’t award Price a star, which is the most retarded thing we’ve ever heard.
The man robbed us blind.
As an expert in Penguins losses over the past month, I am sending out the official notice to not even worry about this game. It was excellent to watch. It wasn’t a vomit-fest loss like we’ve seen so often. We’re proud of this game, and you should be too.
Here are some awards.
BEGINNING THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY
You had hardly settled down into the couch before you had to grimace about Plekanec messing around behind the net. He hits it out to Kostitsyn who gets it in. Seriously? Come on. The beer isn’t even open yet and it’s 0-1.
We act like it never happened. We kill off a penalty Malkin got for holding. We have a magnificent Malkin/Cosby/Fedo play. The AHL line draws a penalty. We get in some good shots.
We’re officially not worried about the game.
MOST OBVIOUS MAN CRUSH
Bob Errey says Whits looks “thick.” We think it’s a compliment, albeit a very sexual one. He raves about Whitney’s body for a few minutes, sometimes just making noises of awe. Bob Errey just can’t help himself. He loves the Penguins too much for words.
AHH. WOW. GAAHHH.
We know, Bob, we know.
“MOST SHAMELESS” SUPERLATIVE
Kovalev has his own tips and tricks video that he watches to improve his game.
Maybe doing that in secret is okay or something but he doesn’t. How do we know? Because Bob Errey knows. Apparently Kovalev thinks it’s cool enough to talk about.
LAST LUCKY BOUNCE OF THE NIGHT
Dupuis is a man. He works the puck towards the net and it manages to touch every single seat in the arena before finally settling in behind Price, at which point it is covered in popcorn butter and gum.
Crosby attempts to tap it in for assurance, but no worries, Dupuis gets full credit for being sexy. Wait. We mean for getting the goal.
Talbot and Wallace playing together is like some sort of awesome wet dream come true. We hope to see it more often.
MOST UNNECESSARY FINAL TOUCH
1.6 seconds left in the first.
Kostitsyn again with another bullshit behind the net play from Plekanec.
Malkin's face says it all.
"Are you fucking serious?"
We’re screaming hat trick like we’re Bob Errey or something. Please, don’t let it happen.
INTERMISSION REPORT MOST CATERED TO PUCK HUFFERS TASTES
Instead of the normal FSN intermission report, I tuned in to Don Cherry yelling about hockey. His suit was not as disastrous as usual, but he was just as livid about everything and every one.
Fine points made:
-Cal Clutterbuck shouldn’t be fighting with a visor on. Some fantastic footage of Gretzky freaking out on him. Hilarious. We hate people who agitate with visors on. But we love Cal.
-Hartnell broke his toe. Hopefully he will be out for the entire season.
-Crosby should stop wasting so much time with the press.
Canada should print Don Cherry on some money or something. What a fantastic national icon. Entering the second period is refreshing after watching Don Cherry rant.
BEST GOAL SCORING TUTORIAL
The Habs were getting goals from totally absurd plays behind the net. Fleury, kind enough to believe that maybe Plekanec had the skill to get a wraparound, was fooled twice.
Crosby shows them how to do a real wraparound and ties it up. We don’t like playing catch up. We’re hoping for two in a row now.
To thank him for helping the team out with the goal tutorial, Latendresse crosschecks Crosby in the back of the head. Dr. Errey let's us know about the severity of the injury. Apparently he was hit right "where your brain stem is. Very sensitive area of the head." He writes out a prescription for Sid and sends him to the nearest phramacy. Must have worked, he was back in no time.
CLOSEST CALL THAT WOULD HAVE CAUSED MASS SUICIDE
We'll be honest and tell you that this review could have easily been another self-pitying sob fest. Maf was behind the net playing the puck and somehow it almost ended up being a totally open netted own goal.
Our faithful announcers take us back to the famous Ryan O'byrne own goal.
Habs fans booed him and gave him a shitty time about it.
We like to think we would have just sat in stunned silence.
We don't boo our players.
In fact, we don't really boo OTHER players.
Pens fans tend to be classy.
Luckily we didn't have to worry about the manners of the paticular attending crowd. The puck went wide. Thank God. Instead we take it back and get a few great scoring chances before the period ends.
LEAST CUTE HATTIE EVER
We're used to seeing adorableness in our hattie preformances. Petr Sykora was like a happy child. Pascal Dupuis has children, and they were probably pretty happy. We have experience with adorable hat tricks.
I'm sorry, Kostitsyn, your hat trick just made us kind of sick.
Maybe you should develop a chinchilla attachment or something.
You just aren't adorable.
THE "WANTING IT" AWARD
Sometimes we feel like the Penguins just don't want it.
We feel like they lose the all important hope.
Not this time.
We finished this game proud.
We had huge chances, enormous chances, unreal chances.
We took shots, we made great passes, we minimized turnovers and kept it in their end. Price said no. He was having an unreal game.
We never, not for one second played like we had lost faith, which is more than we can say for so many previous games. We played like our pride was on the line and we really showed them a hard game. There were plenty of reasons they still beat us.
We are tired.
They are rested.
Price was relentless.
It doesn't matter what reasons there are, because we still showed up big time.
Oh, we wanted it. We wanted it bad.
But you know how it goes.
PENS 2 HABS 3
MOST RUSSIAN NON RUSSIAN
In the third period Talbot's line was looking beautiful.
Talbot outskated 3 Habs to bring it ahead, halted at the half-boards and passed it to the trailer.
It was the most Russian we've ever seen him look.
Красивые туфли, хочешь ебать?
...and that is the only Russian phrase we know.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Carey Price- We hate it when other arenas don't give credit where credit is due. Price is the star of this game. We hate to say it, but congratulations for a totally solid goaltending performance, Habs.
2. Timmy Wallace- The Alaskan Storm was everywhere tonight. His shifts are exciting, he's always hitting someone. Bob Errey has a well developed man crush on him. He's cool by us.
3. Poor Mrs. Steigerwald- Happy Birthday, ma'am. We are sorry your son thinks that, despite your protests, it is ever okay to announce a woman's age on air. He's done it to players' wives, but his own mother? Have a fantastic birthday asides from him being an ass.
4. Dupuis- We're chucking him a bonus star for being everywhere.
Seriously. He looked amazing.
They all did.
Pens 2 Sabres 3
Therrien just said it in his post game presser.
"If we keep playing like this, we'll be fine."
The boys know they played well, so you don't have to waste your time thinking twice about it.
What a game.
It's still good to be back.
We’re playing the Habs tonight. Oh god.
The Habs come with a lot of attitude that nobody likes and it ain’t coming from the players. Well, wait, yeah. It is. But mostly from the fans, who believe that they each had a personal hand in creating the sport of ice hockey and that they are thus just entitled to things.
While not entitled to many things in reality, they are in fact entitled to front row seats to the Pens winning. ON THEIR BENCH, WOOO!
Sorry, we’re getting cocky again. Winning two games in a row isn’t really our thing anymore, so we can’t do that. However, we think we can do it. We’re tied with them in the conference because of our terrible marijuana addiction, not because they are in any way skilled.
I like Kovalev, though. Suck it.
I still hope he loses.
We're going to be playing with a lot of our called up boys. The Alaskan storm is back.
Wallace-Jeffrey-Biz Nasty is a rumored line.
All AHL all the time. We're cool with that.
Projected Hal Gill return December 30th.
We miss his long stick.
HEY EVERYONE WHO IS GOOGLING “WHAT CITY WAS TYLER KENNEDY BORN IN?”
Tyler Kennedy was born in Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario.
Also, if you found us by googling Tyler Kennedy Shirts, we are not yet in the market of T-shirts. However, we appreciate your curiosity for and support of our president.
Enjoy the game.
Okay, well, it's good to show signs of beginning to come back. We're not declaring it a turnaround just yet. We're just hoping that it is. The guys were playing like they were rediscovering one another, only in a less sexual way than that just sounded. Only slightly less sexual, though. We're thinking that this may be a sign that we're back on track.
Despite Pittsburgh being my home sweet home, I am sadly not a born and bred Pittsburghian. It's a tragedy, I know, don't hold it against me. I'm a native of Suffolk, England, which means that although not Canadian, the honoring of Boxing Day is still in my blood. First winning recap in over a month, what a gift.
Happy fucking Boxing Day, boys.
In return, here are your awards.
MOST PROMISING BEGINNING
Zoe and I started out the game the way we recommended you do it; huge, bleeding steaks. I missed the first five minutes of the game for that piece of cattle, but hey, we won. Don't go complaining if something works.
Anymore you hesitate to say that the Pens are playing well to start off. You know that your heart can easily be crushed if you get too hopeful. But you can hardly help it this beginning is so quietly epic. Gogo is making some big hits, Sykie is letting loose slappers, MAF is showing up huge and Bob Errey is already on his game with quotes.
"Somebody's always gotta be high."
We hate to disagree, Robert, but we'd prefer no one be high in this game.
We hear Mr. B. Nasty snapped Adam Hall's tracfone in half the moment he got called up. He was not having that shit making him look bad.
Thank you, Mr. Nasty. We appriciate it.
Holy shit, was that Satan forechecking?
The puck is getting in deep and staying there.
You can't help but be excited now.
Oh God, please don't crush our spirits again, Penguins...be merciful.
MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY
Mattie Cooke flips the puck into the Devils end and Talbot goes storming after it. Mottau shoves his stick between Talbot's legs (what are you, in the fifth grade?) and sends him crashing into the boards, leaving him in a heap on the ice, clutching his head.
You're apologising to God for all of those times you prayed to Curry during games.
You wish you could remember when church opened in the morning.
Then you realize it's Friday.
Oh fuck, Talbot is going to die and you are going to hell and to top it off Cooke gets a ten minute misconduct for something we don't even see happen.
You sob all through the power play.
It's cool, nothing really happened.
THE GRACEFULLY FLOWING MULLET AWARD
Remember when Jagr had his mullet well past when it was welcome?
Malkin is joining the ranks of offensive hair cuts.
We're not sure if we want it cut off or preserved forever.
Isn't that shit making his neck hot?
THE BABY MOOSE AWARD
When preparing for your first NHL game, many things must run through your head. All of the what-ifs playing on loop, trying to prepare yourself for what is to come.
Being called up to the Penguins adds the mental strain of wondering what the fuck Bob Errey is going to say about you on air.
Dustin Jeffery, according to Bob Errey, is a confident young man.
From a farm.
With exactly 16 cows.
No more, no less.
"No sod, eh?"
Take a shot.
He may not have done well on the faceoffs, but he's a responsible winger. We like him. 16 cows and all.
REEMERGENCE OF CURRYANITY
Talbot is back on the ice, reaffirming that Curry is a deity.
You are doing nothing wrong.
To apologise for worrying you while he was watching an episode of Rocko rather than being omnipotent, Curry replenishes your hope with some wicked shots, good chances, more Satan miracles and some beautious passes by Boucher.
The first period ends and you are reconstructing your shrine. You acted too soon, oh ye of little faith.
BITCHIN' SERIES OF EVENTS THAT ACTUALLY ENDED HAPPILY
We're getting used to watching amazing shit happen and then having it whisked away and put into our net. So it was refreshing to see some hard work in the second period end in something awesome.
MAF saves an Elias shot like he saw it in a dream last night and was just waiting for the moment to come. Sykie and Malkin remind us of the days of old and work together on an awesome play that results in so many frustrated groans when it goes just wide. Boucher goes down hard but rebounds with a heavy shot that's like, this close. Talbot steals the puck like it's someone else's woman. MAF with a sick toe save.
Finally, finally something pulls through.
Fedo to Malkin. Malkin back to Fedo.
Clemmensen gets a huge piece of it.
White has a chance to save it.
It still makes it over the line.
Somehow, this lead even feels safe.
"THE SAVE" AWARD
Because I know you aren't idiots, I won't give you a history lesson.
You know of what I speak.
MAF stood tall tonight, and Pietrangelo would be proud. MAF is sick with the glove. But this award doesn't go to MAF.
Oh, that's right.
Another Mark Eaton award.
Mark Eaton showed up again in this game. We're pleased. We're not saying we want to keep him, but he's making us not so remorseful that we have to put him on the ice to advertise him to other teams from time to time. This time he went above and beyond, even if unwittingly.
There's a scramble in the crease. Gionta got out his swimming trunks and started doing the backstroke in the paint, his favorite pass time.
Mark Eaton's leg whips the puck out of the net, a half an inch away from letting it be a goal. As said a million times on the television, you have to see white between the line and the puck. It wasn't there. If it was, this game could have been a completely different story.
Mark Eaton, we take back one eighth of the bad shit we say about you.
Thanks for being a man tonight.
The lifeguard blows his whistle at Gionta and makes him sit on the beach chairs for two minutes for "horseplay" which was clearly forbidden in the pool rules, had he looked upon entrance.
Rule number five, douche.
THE FRIENDLY FIRE AWARD
Whits lets loose some flying leather that could easily kill anyone standing in the wa-
HOLY FUCK FEDO, DUCK!!!
Oh my god.
Ruslan's subsequent journey:
"Whits isn't even back yet. I must be hallucinating."
"I'm going to die at a fucking Devils game?"
"Just let me live until the Avalanche game. I want to die while laughing."
"I might as well just collapse right now."
"At least it's not the Isles."
Luckily the collapse in the "depression" stage saved him.
Curry was laughing the whole time. He thought it was hysterical.
And that is why bad things happen to good people.
/meaning of life.
FASTEST PERIOD EVER
The third period is a blur of great things.
We were holding our breath, just praying for the YOU KNOW WHAT.
Bob Errey never once said it.
Maybe he's learned?
Eaton blocks some shit.
We commit some obvious penalties that don't get called.
The Devils fans fail at starting the wave.
MAF is a wall.
Boucher is our new favorite person on the planet.
We get an unnecessarily close MAF camera shot.
Whits gets a broken stick penalty.
We get the shut out.
PENS 1 DEVILS 0
OUR FAVORITE DEBUTANTE AT THE BALL
Boucher is the prettiest of them all.
I hesitate to make a joke about him being a debutante.
He might give me a slapshot to the face.
I probably deserve it.
Boucher is made for us. He looks so good. His passes are like lightening, he takes shots when he should and sometimes when he shouldn't, which we also love.
We want him to hang out with us here in Pittsburgh for a long time.
KIND OF OFF-SALMON ALERT
We are not saying anything negative about Mister Crosby.
We will not start screaming about his amber alert.
We do, however, wonder what the problem is.
He will soon redeem himself and silence the doubters.
Here he is being adorable with MAF.
"HERE IS MY STICK MARC-ANDRE, DO YOU LIKE IT? I PICKED IT OUT OFF OF THE SHELF ALL BY MYSELF."
THE ALL GROWN UP AWARD
Biz Nasty got cross checked by Paul Martin, in a form of what must have been a suicide attempt. Godard gives him that look that says hunger for organs.
Mister Nasty taps him on the shoulder and shakes his head calmly.
Bob Errey talks about how awesome Nasty's hockey has been recently.
Our little brutalizing terror is all grown up.
In that deadly sort of way.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Philippe Boucher- For reasons stated many times over.
2. Mark Eaton- We loved him for a couple of hours. Way to surprise us.
3. Scott Hartnell- Threw another glove tonight in the Flyers v. Blackhawks game. Thanks for making us realize how much we love our boys.
Oh my god, I just recapped a win.
It's a Boxing Day miracle.
What a game.
Oh, and good morning.
Friday, December 26, 2008
So we are playing the Devils tomorrow and I know what you are thinking. Ever since we won that amazingly solid, beautiful game against the Devils last time we played them and it was later declared a loss by officials when they found our sticks were all non-regulation, we have known that the NHL just has it in for us. Clearly they have to tighten up their rules and not let certain players and teams just slide through on technicalities.
I have news for you. This time we put away the diamond sticks and we’re still going to kick ass.
Seriously, though, it’s time for a turn around. We’d prefer it sooner rather than later, and I would like to recap a win. With MAF back we’re cleaning up any soff goals, and at varying times our defense and offense is tight. We just need the stars to align and for everything to start working together.
We’re sure you’ve heard all about Therrien’s comments about the boys complaining about one another on the bench. We’re hoping it was his English, because thinking of the boys bitching really turns our stomachs. We say lasso ‘em together and make them skate. Classic Gordon Bombay tactics. The Ducks always prevailed.
Eat some steak boys, we think your manliness meter is dropping.
Well, once you take the fucking garnish off the side.
Throw it at some ugly bitch.
Then growl and scratch inappropriately.
FEELING BETTER ALREADY.
If you haven’t yet noticed, steak is instant manliness. Well, unless you over-cook it. Then you are a bitch ass punk complaining about your teammates. And we don’t do that here in Penguins territory. Of course, we believe it was a classic Therrien English malfunction. We’re just taking the necessary precautions. Make sure that fucker is still breathing when you plate it up.
The recap for this game is going to be up at some retarded time in the morning. Unless you are like us and don’t actually need sleep to survive, catch it in the morning before work. I’m saying six-ish.
I’ve got the next two games under control.
It’s good to be back.
Let’s hope the Penguins can say the same after this is all over.
By the way, in case you didn't hear,
Paul Bissonnette and Dustin Jeffrey.
BIZ NASTY IS BACK.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Yeah, I'm posting a ton, suck it.
Kim and I both got Penguins-related swag for Christmas. We hope you were as lucky. Please use the comments thread to tell us if you got any cool shit, Pens-related or not. We like to share in your joy.
Pensblog has a Bob Errey Soundboard that will make your life ten times more beautiful than it was yesterday. It is seriously the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire tenure on Planet Earth.
If you haven't seen the Penguins Happy Holidays video, you better get your ass over to their website and check it out. Your heart will melt verily. The tears will flow. Talbot's sweater is worth the price of admission, and Mark Eaton's adorable children make us want to trade him less.
Next game is Debbies. Make 'em sweat.
I know you miss Kim. She'll be posting tomorrow. I hope you have a pacemaker for that out-of-control heartbeat.
Above all, HAPPY HOLIDAYS to you and yours, from us.
Thanks so much for reading, being our friends, etc.
Ain't nothin' like sports camaraderie.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The good news is that Kim's recaps aren't unlucky, it's just the Pens playing like shit. This is the first time they have been held scoreless. I just took a huge vodka shot on top of some pussy Arbor Mist I had at my friend's coming home party. So take this recap for what you will. Yes, I am Zoë and I am doing two in a row. Kim has to go to work. Sorry, we have lives sometimes. I'm not going to get drunk tonight, unfortunately, because I realize that getting drunk alone is a terrible, terrible idea.
How do you deal with a SHUTOUT LOSS to the fucking Tampa Bay Lightning?
Alcohol, Jerkcity, and sad music.
Waiting by the Devlins
Grab your poison.
Oh, did you want awards?
HUGEST FUCKING BONGHIT
The Penguins knew that the Lightning were coming to town.
So they called Adam Hall on his other cell phone. . .his TracFone.
Sabu meets him in his hotel room.
Money changes hands.
Crosby breaks out his favorite bong, a 21st birthday present from Jarkko Ruutu.
It's time to fucking get high as shit and see if we can still beat the Lightning.
GUYS THIS IS GOING TO BE HILARIOUS OMG
BEST SEX WITH MALONE'S WIFE
Evgeni Malkin and Malone's wife snuck into the arena around noon today and had fabulous sex, doggie style, at center ice.
Malkin had just smoked a blunt by himself and was pretty proud about it.
So Malone roughs him up.
Whitney, on the bench, says "mother fucker" because Malkin didn't share the blunt or the pussy with him.
He really isn't enjoying this whole "playing while high" thing.
Damn you, Sidney Crosby and your huge bong!
Did no one on this team get a high school health class lecture about peer pressure?
WAIT, WAS THAT SHIT LACED WITH SOMETHING?
Turns out that one of the bricks of weed that Adam Hall smuggled into town was laced with meth. Scuderi, usually something of a lone wolf, claims that particular brick for himself and smokes up while watching The Twilight Zone alone in the dark instead of attending morning skate. At the game, this translates to him actually taking a penalty and delivering some kind of crushing bodycheck that we don't even want to talk about. He's trying to kill everyone. Seriously. Man is a fucking liability. Crystal meth will do that to a defenseman.
Adam Hall is the worst dealer in the NHL.
MOST DISGRACEFUL MUNCHIES
Sykora had a great chance on the breakaway in the second period. He was too stoned to be contagious, and keeps the cookie for himself like a starving Mike Richards in a German bakery. Marijuana is a great remedy for Petr Fever, if you ever need one in a pinch, but it also means that your team can't score worth shit.
Pettinger hates chocolate and marijuana. I bet the guy is absolutely no fun at a party. So he scores. No one thinks the Penguins are going to lose this game, but really we should have known the second Scuderi had to sit in the penalty box.
YES MIROSLAV IT IS A PUCK NOT A COOKIE DON'T EAT IT
MOST HARMLESS GIVEAWAYS
The Tampa Bay Lightning have a real issue with keeping the pucks. They're more charitable than Malkin in the defensive zone, and that's saying something. They actually ended up giving it to Malkin, who decided to leave a drop pass on a breakaway.
Considering that Tampa Bay is probably the worst team defensively in the league, the fact that the Penguins only managed fifteen shots is inexcusable. Malkin leaving a drop pass on a breakaway is inexcusable. Of course he has another breakaway later on and doesn't do a very good job at that one, either. When you don't take bonghits during intermission, it goes in.
CLEVEREST INJURED DEFENSEMAN
Up in the press box in a fabulously tailored suit, Letang makes an apple bong. He heads down to the locker room during intermission trying to buy some shit off of Sabu. Sabu is saying no, an uncharacteristic move.
"BUT LOOK HOW COOL THIS APPLE BONG IS, DANY. I LOOKED IT UP ON WIKIHOW. IT IS REALLY COOL. CAN I PLZ SEE IF IT WORKS!!"
No one is asking Letang about his apple bong. He is hurt. Offended. Crushed. He returns to the press box, despondent, hoping for a Smith shutout. But not out loud. Letang doesn't jinx it. What a man.
THE REFS TAKE BONGHITS, TOO
Max gets four minutes for high-sticking and no one even saw it.
You know it's over.
The call was made on a coin toss. The two refs got together in a corner during commercial.
"Hey, if it's heads I give that Talbot asshole four for high sticking."
"If it's tails. . .um. Um. Shit, brotha. . .how about Wallace for holding the stick and an extra two for roughing?"
It's heads. Clearly.
Someone whose name will not be heard for the rest of the season buries it five hole.
PLAYER MOST FAMILIARIZED WITH THE PENALTY BOX
Hand of Godard with the clutch photography.
PLAYERS WHO MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN ENTIRELY HIGH
I am writing this in lieu of alternative three stars.
At least the Mellon staff gave all three stars to the Lightning like they obviously deserved.
They were playing a team that became the poster boys for the negative effects of marijuana usage in your daily life. They performed admirably in the anti-drug campaign. We salute them.
1. Timmy Wallace, Alaskan Storm, Ph. D.
2. MAF. Seriously. He was trying his hardest but apparently no one gave a damn.
3. Ryan Whitney. In retrospect, he has thanked his lucky stars that Malkin didn't decide to share the love. He can't be blamed for this shitfest. Welcome back, Whitters. You played a good game.
Tocchet: SERIOUSLY HOW MUCH WEED DID YOU GUYS SMOKE? INCREDIBLE.
We were disappointed to hear that Wallace and Taffe were both sent down. Does this mean Zigomanis is coming back? We're sick of call-ups and Wallace has at times been the best player on the ice.
Michel Therrien is obviously very, very, very fucking disappoint. Yes, disappoint.
Boys better get their shit together.
What a game.
Kim and I weren't able to watch this game in any real way. We had shit to do.
Our friend Travis (aka Goon Blogger) came through and actually TOOK NOTES FOR US during the game. Not to mention sent me sweet update texts.
He's more of a man than you'll ever be.
Get drunk and listen to breakup songs.
Or fuck your incredibly hot girlfriend, or the incredibly hot girlfriend of someone you know.
BEGIN EMERGENCY TRANSMISSION BZZZZZZZZZZZT
Puck Huffers will be liveblogging the January 5 Rangers game.
We will be playing the Staal Brothers drinking extravaganza while doing so.
Plan your lives accordingly.
Which means we're going to win.
Why was press coverage better in the preseason?
Whatevs, we love Ben Lovejoy.
Stamkos = Joke.
Everyone hates the Lightning. It's just a natural reflex to gag when you hear the name. People have various reasons. You hate Stamkos, you hate the way they play, you hate to think about Gonch being injured, you hate Malone, Artyukhin spells his name "Evgeny," you're jealous of them having Gary Roberts, there are a number of reasons to choose from.
Gary Roberts is probably the only reason we don't want a bomb to strike their arena next time they play the Flyers. Well, I won't talk about the Malone issues. Tempers flair when that is brought up. Anyway, now that Gary Roberts has announced his impending retirement, it's only a matter of time before Tampa Bay is totally worthless.
There's also a rumor that they are highly susceptible to certain illnesses.
Last night we claimed we cared about 75% of the time. Really that's all we need to beat the Lightning, but we'd like to see it bumped up to a solid 80%. We can work our way up from there.
As was mentioned, we're going to be MIA.
A recap will still happen.
We love you guys like that.
Welcome home, Nikos.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Well, shit. Did anyone really feel good going into this?
Had the Penguins had enough energy to play a team that wasn't shit lately? Well, nope.
Had anyone really cared? Well, nope.
Did the Penguins care tonight? That's an interesting question. We're gonna say yes, about 75% of the time.
Buffalo generally cared the whole time, but the Penguins were able to outplay them during those times, for the most part. Fleury got beat on mostly garbage. Miller was beat on actual shots.
We were also pretty lucky. Sabres had wide open nets that they either failed to shoot at, or were too out of position to notice.
It was between 5 and 10 degrees in my part of Pennsylvania tonight. We toiled in absolutely miserable cold to see this shit.
You know what? Penguins deserved it.
At any rate, it's an awards night in Buffalo.
BEST UNDERRATING OF A GOALTENDING PERFORMANCE
Gotta be the announcers at Versus.
Fleury stones someone, gets a lucky whistle when he can't quite get the rebound.
"The only thing quicker than Fleury was the whistle," they say. Ballsack.
WORST 1:00 MARK
Did you ever need help remembering how much you need to hate the Sabres sometimes?
Paille helps. He's a cunt. One minute in, he fires a completely useless slapshot that decides to go in off of Boucher's skate. At least three people I know say they stopped watching. Ooops.
BEST ALMOST COOKIE BREAK
However, after that, it's pretty much all Pens.
Sabres play pretend for awhile and end up icing a bunch of pucks.
Cooke with a great steal as the only man playing for the Penguins in general. He has the defensive instincts to intercept their breakout passes, but not the offensive instincts to bury it. You keep sighing as Miller commits highway robbery on a bunch of people. The man has three shutouts on the year. You're thinking about his fourth already. Crosby is playing like God, as usual.
BIGGEST LACK OF BROADCASTING FAITH
We learn that the resident Versus talking plastic head who knows nothing about hockey, Christine Simpson, will be talking to Lindy Ruff, resident furry. You're expecting it to be one of those annoying Versus interviews in the corner, in a box, while the game is going on and no one commenting on it. Maybe you lacked faith a little too much, as the interview is blessedly short and no one cares what he has to say.
Back at the ranch, MAF isn't having to handle much, except Afinogenov failing at life right before his eyes.
LEAST EFFECTIVE POWER PLAY AWARD
Orpik goes to the box for being a man, the first of Buffalo's nine million power plays.
They fail at shit.
Vanek is a cock cozy.
Staal walks in by himself, as patient as a Hindu cow, and gets a shot off with three slugs on top of him.
After some pathetic attempt at a fancy turnaround pass, Cooke is able to steal and clear. We're pretty sure HSBC Arena is actually booing the power play.
To end the period, Fleury stands tall.
Intermission report wants to talk about Crosby's goal drought. The more they talk about it, the more you realize it is foreshadowing.
Christine Simpson interviews Derek Roy, who is made of incomplete chromosomes. Luckily, it's the last Derek Roy interview you'll have to watch for the rest of the regular season, unless you like to pay attention to the Northeast Division, which you don't.
Roy leaves the interview for some genetic testing.
You don't want to say it out loud, but could it be?
Did the Penguins actually outplay a team for most of a period?
Versus won't talk about it.
They do, however, worship Boston unnecessarily. Like Boston needs anymore cheap sex from the NHL this season.
THE PERIOD FOR OVERCOMING ADVERSITY
With a little mountain to climb in the second, you're really not worried.
Satan trips someone, apparently.
Fleury says HI HOW ARE YOU to the entire Sabres team. With his body.
Our penalty kill is amazing at this point.
We turn it back on. Boucher with one of his heavy shots. A bright spot in what was probably the only noticeably negative performance by Boucher this season.
A play is blown dead offside while Taffe and Wallace are ruining lives.
Before you know it, Kotalik with some bullshit. He beat Fleury fair and square.
Two to nothin'.
MOST APPRECIATED COMEBACK
Each team is vomiting around for awhile.
Then, a huge series of passes turns shit to gold.
Orpik wheels it around the boards, away from Scuderi. Satan grabs it along the boards and pushes it ahead beautifully to Dupuis. Bam.
Miller's shutout is dead, at least.
We shall overcome.
The Sabres get another power play that the announcers don't comment on. It comes back to our offensive zone after they play it with a high stick, but we apparently can't do anything about that.
Fleury stands tall some more, and Orpik clears the shit.
Hecht gets jobbed in the face or something and is not seen for the rest of the night, not that you'd seen him in the first place.
BEST CONTRIBUTION TO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
The Penguins are playing like they want it. Sykora is wide open and the Versus announcers invent a word for the ages, saying that he had a "Sykorridor." You're fucking kidding me. Shortly thereafter, Sykora tries to stuff one in on Miller again. He's having a great shift, clearly. The word will live on as a rare moment of Versus brilliance. They were channeling Bob Errey in a big way.
Not nearly enough pictures of Bob Errey on the Internet.
BEST EXCHANGE OF LUCK
The Sabres commit icing, and Miller loses his balance trying to make a save. Good luck for the Sabres that it didn't go in.
Oh wait, good luck for the Penguins because Goligoski's slapper finds its way in. Goligoski owns Miller. Tie game. Talbot is on the ice after the goal and his energy convinces the Sabres to give the Penguins the puck at every possible opportunity. When there isn't an opportunity, they settle for Fleury, who stands tall. Tim Wallace beats them to the puck to cancel icing we committed. He's really good at that. The AHL line has a great shift.
BIGGEST BEAR HUG
After a bad boarding penalty, Eric Godard decides to make it worth it by dropping the gloves with Peters. They embrace like old friends. Like old friends drunk in a parking lot after one realizes the other just put the moves on his wife. Eventually, Peters realizes he has no chance and decides to just fall down on top of Godard. BFFs forever.
The Sabres continue their bear hugging into their power play. They get some garbage goal. Letang, who had taken on the role of a shot-blocking Jesus, is seen in pain on the bench. Like we need any more injured defensemen.
In retaliation, our defensemen bear hug Afinogenov, who is rightly described by the Versus announcers as "a mess." This picture is from the first period, but it pretty much has the same sentiment.
Fleury robs some fuckers blind, so blind that they abandon positional hockey and can only prevent the raw energy of Max Talbot from getting a shot off by trying to have violent sex with him in the high slot.
It must be time for. . .
THE THIRD PERIOD CALDER TROPHY CAMPAIGN
Goligoski is pissed during his intermission interview. Foreshadowing? Call your 12th grade lit teacher and get a second opinion.
We have to kill another penalty to start the third, this one by Philippe Boucher. Fleury stands ridiculously fucking tall. Oh, lord. Killed.
Wallace proves his NHL caliber by taking a complete fucking beating trying to push the puck ahead.
The Alaskan Storm is not thwarted.
They try to kill Petr Fever, forgetting that there is no cure.
Paille is still a cunt. He catches such a fucking temperature that he has to take a roughing penalty. It's our power play. Goligoski manning the point, after someone tries to kill him. I wrote in my notes that he was "clearly saving the team."
His wrist shot impregnates every fertile woman in the state of New York. Until this point, Miller thought he was hot shit. He just got beat by the next great offensive defenseman in the NHL. Still leading all rookie d-men in points.
GOLIGOSKI FOR CALDER.
No photos of his goals exist. HSBC Arena was too shamed to think of it.
Sabres get another PP, Fleury says no a bunch, Versus thinks it's time for a Vanek highlight reel. DENIED. Crosby and Malkin both ruin lives before the buzzer, Miller saying no.
THE WAR ROOM AWARD
Overtime initially looks like vomit. We have three men back and the Sabres are pressuring, making the rush ahead look nigh-impossible. Finally, we get in a 4-on-4 formation. Miller robs Crosby. Yuck.
But Goligoski has it. To Malkin. Slap shot.
Crosby obviously tips it. But the question that they have in Toronto is whether or not it was a high stick.
It takes two minutes, but the win is imminent.
Malkin taking a page out of Tyler Kennedy's book on the goal celebration.
Man just got himself a fucking pony.
PENGUINS WIN THIS SHIT
MOST DECENT ACQUISITION
People criticize Dupuis and say he isn't worthy of top line minutes, that he sucks.
Really, he's been very decent this season. He scored and kept the pace for a very physical game.
He fits in and he fills his role.
He flattens people. He plays hard. And you don't see him in the box very often, either.
So stop bitching.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
The Buffalo homers gave two of the three stars to their own players. IN A LOSS.
1. Sidney Crosby - First goal in nine games, to snap Derek Roy's own nine-game scoring streak. Derek Roy wishes he had Crosby's Y chromosome.
2. Daniel Paille - Gave the Penguins their only power play of the night as a heartfelt apology for his bullshit goal. What an asshole.
3. Evgeni Malkin - Anyone notice his three-point night? Maybe Art Ross did. He's at the point where getting three assists instead of a goal and two assists is considered a subpar performance. HI-LARIOUS.
Early season form.
Kim and I will probably be MIA for that one, but Kim will preview it and with help from our good friend Travis we should be able to provide you with some solid information.
We are, after all, breaking news.