Sunday, November 30, 2008

WHY THIS WEEK DIDN'T SUCK


I'm going to make this quick. Mostly 'cause I'm back in Boston and I'm homesick already. Kim would be doing this if she weren't stranded in an airport, FYI. I almost didn't get to do it because I was stranded on the Masspike. Fuck the world n'at.

1.) The Sabres are still Islanders-caliber hockey. Their win was kind of flukey--they were on home ice and we weren't playing like we should have. But it's okay, because, unlike the NFL, we play an actual SEASON of our beloved sport. Sabres aren't making the playoffs. You heard it here first.

2.) Speaking of the NFL, the New England Patriots are hacks. Steelers were in Pats country tonight to take New England to task. Even if you're not a Steelers fan you can appreciate a Boston sports team getting totally fucked by something from Pittsburgh. It makes your heart swell with pride. It makes your eyes water. If you, like me, were trapped in a bottleneck in the middle of Connecticut listening to this game, you had mental visions of Pittsburgh sports bars full of happy drunks enjoying our city's superb night. I fucking hate football, especially NFL football, but 33-10 isn't fooling around. Thanks, Pittsburgh. Boston will always be inferior to you. You know it's bad when your own radio play-by-play announcers call the game "revolting."

3.) Our team is fucking incredible. They're not lying when they say Pittsburgh has the best offensive one-two punch in hockey. And even if they are, we still have a solid team offensively and defensively, good for fifth in the league and what might as well be third in the conference, if the Crapitals didn't play in a made-up division. No one is safe. Bring it.

4.) Food, family, and Pittsburgh. We were home for Thanksgiving. It was epic. Thanks for asking.

5.) Rangers got shut out by Florida Panthers tonight. Bet that's still gonna burn a little on Wednesday. Let's get another point or two out of MSG and put it in our December piggy bank.

We can't wait to see if they'll start Lundqvist.
Look forward to various ADD-like off-day features before Wednesday.
Are we blogging up to your standards? Let us know.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

highlight reel city

For the start of this season, the only reason we were winning games was from gritty, secondary scoring. It showed the rest of the league that you don't need a big name to be godlike in a Penguins uniform--we play a great offensive system and we have the energy to make it work at all levels. Our third line, on some nights, is the sickest line in hockey. Not many teams can say that.

Recently, Crosby and Malkin have been reminding us not to forget them. Malkin had a hattie against the Isles. Crosby had a two-goal game against the Sabres. And, well. . .you know what happened. Sidney Crosby led the team to make the Devils play Penguins hockey. Simple as that.

Here are the awards that we love so dearly.

BEST GOAL EVER THAT I DIDN'T EVEN SEE
I was driving back from getting FUCKING BBQ with my parents. I'm driving from Fayette County, PA back to Bruins land tomorrow and I thought we'd never get home in time for this game. I heard Mike Lange announce the opening faceoff. By the time I made it in the house, it was 1-0. Luckily, the goal was so incredible that they replayed it five thousand times, eclipsing the gorgeousness of my half-rack of ribs. Hear that, everyone: Sidney Crosby is more delicious than tender, sauce-slathered pork.

Control the puck, keep it on your stick, backhand it without being able to see it--but only Crosby knows exactly where it's going. Don't think Clemmensen saw it, either.

The rest of the period, no one has any idea what the Devils are doing. You're not worried.

HAPPIEST CHINCHILLA AWARD, PART TWO
Early in the second period, the Devils are considering showing up. Some power plays, some 4-on-4. During a Penguins power play, Petr Fever parks himself in front of the net. Crosby distracts Clemmensen by sending him telepathic visions of Therrien's rage. Sykora is next to the net for an absolutely sexual dish pass, which he pokes in like it's his job. Here is the sequence of events:

*poke*


AIRBORNE CHINCHILLA

THE "PLAY LIKE YOU'RE LOSING" AWARD
During a huge 4-on-4 situation, you start wondering if the Devils even really needed a fifth guy on the ice to make their defense suck. Malkin pokes the puck to the net while falling on his stomach as if this is the last two minutes of the game and we need to tie it to stay alive in a playoff series. Clemmensen makes the initial save, way out of his crease to challenge the shot, because he's scared of Malkin. You should be, because Crosby was there to find the rebound and bury it into a wide open net. Penguins are suddenly not playing like they have a lead. It's like sex or something.

WORST INTERMISSION
The intermission report dude that no one cares about on FSN says the word "shutout." Ooops.

MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY
Mike Rupp buries it, ruining Sabu's shutout in the third period. You're wondering why the announcers haven't learned not to jinx their team. Press photography takes no pictures of the goal in protest of its existence, so technically there's no record of it ever happening except in your memory. And if you get drunk like the Devils' supposed "neutral zone trap" system, you might just forget. Sabu earned a shutout. Suck it.

This cringe-worthy moment is also due to the only mistake of Rob Scuderi's career. People were starting to realize he is actually God. He had to put a stop to that or else he'd stop being the league's most secret deity. A secret deity is much more omnipotent.

THE MOMENT YOU KNEW JAY CAUFIELD WAS GONNA TALK ABOUT FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES STRAIGHT
At some point, Jersey gets a three-on-one against Malkin. Malkin could probably have taken them all by himself anyway, but the two Jersey d-men hang back at the blueline, allowing Malkin to stand right next to some joke and ruin his chance at a shorthanded goal. Jersey's defense commits suicide at center ice in celebration.

WORST GOALTENDING DECISION OF THE NIGHT, LEAGUE-WIDE
Devils pull Clemmensen with over two minutes left in the third. If they thought they could contain the Penguins with their shutdown defense, they were obviously high, because they hadn't shown up for the entire fucking game. Crosby splits the d-men and scores into an empty net from his stomach. Even his empty-netter looked epic.

Sidney Crosby has to earn his hat tricks.
It's 4-1 and the Devils don't have shit to say.
As the clock winds down, you remember why this is Penguins hockey.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST RAPE BY A GOAL-SCORER TONIGHT

Somehow, Mike Rupp and Crosby end up on the ice together. Crosby punches him because our good friend Mikey was fishing for a free blowjob. Sidney Crosby doesn't give freebies.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. President TK - Still ruining lives. He had a great assist on Sykora's goal. Our president-elect Kennedy doesn't give up on a play. Ever.

2. Kris Letang - Bob Errey loves Kris Letang like he's his own child. Every time Letang took a shot, the joy in Errey's voice was unmistakable. Letang's gonna bury one real soon. We're guaranteeing a goal for him in the month of December. You heard it here first.

3. Zach Parise - The fact that he didn't actually show up tonight allowed some other people on his team to have their place in the sun.

PENGUINS 4 DEVILS 1
What a game.
Sorry our recaps are short, but we've been watching the games on our home TVs which means that instead of AIMing to each other while watching jumpy feeds of joke television networks and taking screencaps and talking about extremely gay sex, we're screaming and apparently watching $10 Sidney Crosby DVDs at Kim's house and forgetting to sleep.
Recaps will improve when we're back in the wasteland non-Pittsburgh cities of America.
Hope your holiday weekends weren't balls.
HOW 'BOUT THEM PENS?

Pens Vs. Devils

The Pens play the devils tonight. Hopefully we can make up for the gross game yesterday and destroy them.

Last time we played the devils we lost 2-1 in overtime, yet another exciting game from a trapping team. The difference was that they had Brodeur.

Then again, we had Fleury.

The thing is that with or without Fleury our game stays the same. Well, actually, our defensive skills sharpen up a little because we're less comfortable when he's not in the net, but we play the same game. The Pens are good at keeping up the same type of play no matter who is out.

Devils, not so much. A trapping team losing a skilled goalie is bad news. They still try to play the trap but they actually have to let up sometimes. This means we might see a more exciting game than the last time we met them. Let's hope. Trap games are balls no matter what Brent Sutter thinks.

Anyways, we're saying we should win this game. Our season isn't looking marvelous but it isn't looking horrible, either. Let's bulk up those numbers, boys.

Enjoy the game.

Friday, November 28, 2008

buffalo is the best city in the world to celebrate thanksgiving

Max Talbot was unshaven and sassy while doing his vaunted television segment with Stan Savran a few days ago. He made fun of Buffalo and the American enthusiasm for Thanksgiving so hardcore that you could FEEL his eyes rolling. You can thank him for our post title today.

We didn't do a pregame because the Sabres suck and we've had to do it before.

We're over this game.
You should get over it too.
Here are some awards to help you out.

BEST PERFORMANCE FROM THE PRESS BOX
We all figured Sabu was going out, but when Janne and Talbot were both showing up, we had to go down a checklist to find out who was missing. After a minute we got it...Fedo. Oh, Fedo. Your bad penalties and turnovers have been seen by the power above, and he is "disscussed." We still love you but maybe time-out helped. We love Janne too, but we hope to see you back soon.

MOST IMPOLITE DEMAND FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.
Afinogenov tries to score on Curry. Lols. To try and create the illusion that he actually had a chance he takes a few extra hits on Curry. Kennedy, Gill and Cooke remind the Sabres that Curry is new to the NHL scene and if they could kindly not fuck with him, that would be awesome. Mair is overwhelmed with sexual desire due to Cooke's kind nature and gets a little overzealous in asking for a blow job. Not that he has anything against homosexuals, Gill is just displeased by the rude nature of Mair's request. He tells him he should ask for things more nicely. Kaleta is nearby and joins the conversation. The refs are getting sick of this tea party and send Gill and Kaleta to the box.



The game changes none.

MOST MALKIN/CROSBY PLAY AS NOT PERFORMED BY MALKIN AND CROSBY
The lights in the arena dim, the spotlights turn to two players. A few passes, some sick moves with their sticks, and the puck is in the net. Don't be surprised if the next Crosby or Malkin highlight reel you see mistakenly includes a clip of this TK/Cooke.



BEST WAY TO RUIN A NICE SHIRT
I hope those jerseys are machine washable because the Pens vomited all over them. They tried to pull a Mattie Cooke and answer our goal in record time. Cooke still wins by like, fifteen minutes. Sluts. We think they have a power play for some reason, and clam up in our own end. It's gross. You think we'd take a desperation penalty. Too bad we're not toolbags. Pominville hooks GoGo in the face. That's what you get for making us look bad.

MOMENT THAT YOU BARELY REMEMBERED BY THE END OF THE GAME
That time that our power play didn't suck the other day. Remember that? Try. It gives us hope that the power play we saw tonight is fake and the real one is coming back soon. They blew this one. Then Dupuis gets hooked on a breakaway he probably wouldn't have scored on anyway, and we get another PP. Malkin remembers the good version, but no one else would reminisce with him. Satan hooks a bitch and it's 4-on-4. Nothing happens again.


MOST 'DISSAPOINT' THERRIEN WAS WITH AN INANIMATE OBJECT ALL FIRST PERIOD
A pane of glass on the boards gets as bored as us and quits it's job. Therrien hates quitters and stares the glass down. He can't fucking believe this. He lectures it about its attitude during intermission.

BEST DOUBLE AGENT
If you weren't in on the secret, Kaleta was playing for us. He lands a hit on Satan and draws his third penalty. He was doing beautifully. We just thought that the Sabres would be smart enough to pull him after the second...but no. Not even after the third. What idiots. Good job, Kaleta. We knew we could trust you.

MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY
Gaustad scores due to a weird misdirection, mostly because Curry has tiny legs. This makes you feel awful. Curry went home and wrote a letter to Santa. We'll see if Saint Nick pulls through with some longer legs for our little buddy after Christmas.


HAPPIEST CHINCHILLA ON THE BLOCK
Crosby and Malkin decide to steal the spotlight back from TK and Cooke and pull a classic moves that makes the fans go wild. That goal made us happy, it made you happy, but we're pretty sure that the happiest person was Petr Sykora, who was standing nearby. His happiness makes us happy. What a guy.

THE BRONKING BULL AWARD
After some joke holds Orpik, we are on yet another PP. We still can't get it together, but Letang makes up for it by showing us the most vicious display of outskating that we have seen in a long time. He ended someone's life without even touching them. We are stunned.


Some choice faces going on in the Sabres bench. We think the jumbotron just played a video of Pominville and Vanek going at it in the showers to elicit those expressions.

Bob Errey: "He shed him like a bronking bull." Here here.

MOST COVERT OPERATION
Where the hell did Boucher go?

No...seriously...what?

Please...please not Eaton...Oh God....

PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Evgeni Malkin's mother must have taught him well. Playing with 4 on 4, Malkin sets up a beautiful play with which he lets Crosby look like even more of a hero than he already did. Oh, you wanted to score this time? Go right ahead. This boy shares like a champion.

After another penalty from the horned slugs we're playing with 5 on 3. No one was surprised that all we did was pretend we were in the icecapades and completely blow it.

Period ends. This means we're going into the third ahead. Everyone could already smell the blood in the water.

WORST PERIOD EVER
Let me clear this up. Penguins- we know you can pass. No, really, you're good at it a lot of the time. Sure, sometimes you make some horrible turnovers, but mostly you got skillz. Please never try to prove this to us for fifteen minutes solid ever, ever again.

Luckily the Sabres do something to liven us up. A shot is made and Curry channels some serious MAF skills to shut it down. The bench gives him a standing O. The shot is reviewed because it was so sick no one could believe it. Believe it, bitches.

THE "WE'LL JUST BLAME YOU" AWARD

The Sabres score. It was legit and kind of a good goal. Idiots.

Seconds before it happened the camera spazzed out and we thought the camera man was having a seizure. No, he was just cursing our team to lose. It's all his fault.

3-4
PENS LOSE
(Thanks to the camera guy.)


INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST TALKED ABOUT GUY WHO DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO SHOW UP
Maxim Afinogenov is apparently a big deal. We didn't notice. He had one assist and we're pretty sure he got it by sneezing on the puck. Don't check our facts.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Patrick Kaleta - He had a solid effort that went mostly unnoticed. We didn't capitalize on it the way we should have. Best effort for the Pens, right here.

2. John Curry - What a man. We're sad he didn't win his first full NHL game. But he's clearly fit to be our number one backup when the time comes.

3. Jason Pominville - Such epic life failure deserves recognition.


PENS 3 SABRES 4

Get on with your life.
The Pens are still the best team in hockey.
What a game.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

abbreviated holiday CRASH MY NET THURSDAY

John Curry is just sexy and there's a game tomorrow and it's Thanksgiving and we just don't give a fuck.


SUP QT


CHECK OUT THAT ASS

HAPPY THANKSGIVING WHORES

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

"i know it stings, but it's a good sting"

Thank god for the Penguins goaltending situation.
John Curry has yet to allow a goal in his shiny new NHL uniform.
We have some hella awards to give out.

MOMENT YOU BARELY REMEMBERED BY THE END OF THE GAME
The entire first period?
Were you even awake?
Dany Sabourin wasn't.

Joey MacDonald is huge.

LEAST TO SHOW FOR A STELLAR EFFORT
The Penguins get an early power play, and they're getting plenty of shots in. You're thinking about the power play being Jesus and can't wait to see it again, when Dougie Weight buries it.
Less than a minute later, Trent Hunter thinks he's Evgeni Malkin and gives a really sick release on a backhand. Sabu is a suicide risk. Errey blames his new mask, which is fugz.


MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY
Can Max Talbot get an NHL game in without someone trying to attack him because of his unadulterated sexiness?
Some moron tries to dump the puck in and gets Maxime's skate instead. He can't put weight on it and has to be helped off.
He doesn't return.
It's okay. If it broke something, that means he'll come back in a playoff series against the Flyers and score on his knee like a man.
We're not worried.

BIGGEST SECRET MARIJUANA OPERATION IN THE STATE OF NEW YORK
Penguins are still smoking up. Nassau Coliseum has a grow-op in their basement.

Godard drops the gloves with Mitch Fritz, who is as big as Hal Gill but nastier. Godard looks twelve next to him, gets half-naked, bloodies his face.
What a circus freak Mitch Fritz is.

THE MOMENT YOU KNEW IT WAS BAD
What should have been an easy glove save for Sabourin turns into a 3-0 lead for the Islanders. Steiggy talks about MacDonald's first career shutout. Thank god Steiggy jinxed him. Sabu retreats to the locker room to roll another fattie.
What the fuck, man?

We hope you like Indian food, 'cause it's CURRY TIME.

HIDDEN OFFENSIVE WEAPON AWARD
The Penguins get a fuckton of shorthanded chances during an Islanders power play. Curry doesn't have to do much except deal with assholes trying to have sex with him in the crease.

Still trying to figure out what's going on here.
The momentum from the sick penalty kill sneaks the puck to Brooks Orpik, whose slapshot finds the net through an insane amount of traffic. 3-1 Islanders. And the second is over. Therrien makes sure to hide the weed before the Pens make it to the locker room.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN INTERMISSION REPORT
Men's Warehouse shows up twice during intermission.
We're calling it fate.

THE BEST NON-GOAL EVER

Crosby is hungry for something. The press photography at Nassau Coliseum is epic. He protects the puck like it's his firstborn child and throws it at the net. Ten people try to get a handjob from MacDonald. Net comes off. No goal because. . .the puck came into the net with an Islanders defenseman? The referee is actually DiPietro in disguise.

THE SAY NO TO DRUGS AWARD
Crosby leaves a drop pass to Malkin, who only receives it because the Islanders are retarded. Malkin skates in and throws the puck at the net. Crosby picks up the trash like MacDonald is a QMJHL rookie. Perfect play plus epic fail equals GOAL. Crosby earns it. . .again.


FASTEST ARENA EMPTYING IN THE NHL, ESPECIALLY FOR AN ARENA THAT WAS ALREADY EMPTY
Malkin's first game-tying goal? Routine shit. Malkin does that in his spare time.
Malkin's second goal?
Crosby pickpockets some Islander, falls down.
Malkin falls down. Malkin still has the puck. Suddenly, Joey MacDonald doesn't.

EPIC.
Empty netters complete hatties as good as anything else.

O HAI MAI NAME IS EVGENI I CAN HAS YOUR HATS?

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
YOU'VE JUST WON A MILLION DOLLARS FROM PUCKHUFFERS' CLEARINGHOUSE
Andy Sutton.
Huge giveaway.
Thanks, buddy.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. John Motherfucking Curry - He stopped every shot he faced. And he took shaving cream to the face from Godard a la TK. We are in love with John Curry.

2. Joey MacDonald - Ain't nothing like choking. Malkin tends to make those types of things happen.

3. Brooks Orpik - Two point night. Candy deliveries going on everywhere.

PENGUINS 5 ISLANDERS 3
We won it fair and square as Ryan Whitney's jaw.
What a game.

Pens Vs. Islanders

Pens Vs. Islanders

It feels like we played the Isles last week. The game came down to where the puck was in Sabu’s pants, TK got a face full of shaving cream in an interview, and Jordan Staal personally reminded viewers to shut up about the whole trade thing.


All in all it was a fun game to watch, even if it were for the fact that we had to worry that we were going to lose to the Isles the whole time. Hopefully this time it won’t be a question.

The Isles are not a good team. It really is that simple. Through years of terrible management and poor draft picks, they have created a team like something very familiar to us here at home. They are the Pittsburgh Pirates of hockey. I ain’t afraid to say it because you guys ain’t afraid to admit it.

Hopefully by now you’ve heard about our new PP lines. We’re excited to see it, especially the addition of TK to the first unit. Last Isles game Gogo and TK worked together and it was beautiful. Not that we put much stock in +/-, but TK is leading the team with a +8. Even if you don’t believe in +/- at all, that’s just fun to say.


It’s not the best game to ever happen, but we’re excited to see it. Usually we feel like the Isles are wasting our time but it’s been too long without a hockey game and we’ll take anything. Oh, and Zoe and I are both back in Pittsburgh for this game. Take our excitement with a grain of salt.

Enjoy the game.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

time to get serious

We've been planning this post for what feels like a year, and had the date set for Tuesday. We had big plans for Tuesday. By pure chance, however, something grave has happened in the world of the National Hockey League. I have more pertinent information here for those of you who have not yet heard.

Last night, the world was stunned. Our hearts go out to all of those who have been affected.

Spread this message to your family, your friends. Pray to whichever higher power you pray to, if you pray at all. If you don't, perhaps you should, because prayer is what we need in times like these.

We'd been wanting to unleash this news for a week, and the events of last night made it seem almost fated. We are awestruck. We just cannot get over what has just happened.

Godspeed, ladies and gentlemen. Godspeed. In this new and terrifying world we've awakened to, not even your blue mouthguard can save you now.

Monday, November 24, 2008

WHY MIKE ZIGOMANIS IS A MAN

Basic Stats:
Name: Mike Zigomanis, Ziggy
Number: 15
Occupation: Conquering Expectations

WHEN HIS MANLINESS WAS SO APPARENT THAT EVEN THE DOUBTERS WERE SILENCED

For once we’re going to take you back to a Red Wings game that wasn’t game five, although with the epic ending you may confuse reruns of the two. Thirty seconds left in the game, Ziggy does what we pay him to do and scores the GWF. That’s right, I said it, game winning faceoff. Eight seconds later Staalsy ties the game. It smelled like another tragedy until Zigomanis reminded us that real men don’t consider it a loss until 00:00.

LAST TIME HE GOT A CITY PREGNANT

We were being shut down by the Canucks after they switched into primal panic mode after their chief went down. The Pens were choking in a big way when TK and fellow man Zigomanis decided to gang up on the goal and show it who was boss. We didn’t win, but we also didn’t let a backup goalie see a shut-out. Pretty good for a guy brought in to dominate the faceoff. Hope you didn’t mind watching that game hung over, ladies, because you best be getting used to morning sickness.

Sid is worried, Therrien is worried, Ziggy is whistling Christmas Carols because he knows he did just fine.

WHAT HE DOES IN HIS SPARE TIME

Mike Zigomanis, a former Western Conference player, uses his off-days to wander into the desert and be at one with the wilderness. Some say he eats raw scorpions to survive. Others say that he needs no food and derives all necessary life-force from the sun. Either way, every time he gets back from the desert, his faceoff percentage improves, so people have learned not to ask questions.

HOW HE BENDS THE UNIVERSE TO HIS WILL

In the past, Mike Zigomanis made it a hobby to create AHL teams out of nothing. He once created a team called the Lowell Lock Monsters out of a rib he tore from his own chest. In his time there he set the bar for most of their goal, point and assist records. Some records he gave away to other players to make them believe they had free will. When he left, the team turned into Lowell Devils. If you care about them, we’re surprised. Now that Ziggy is in the NHL he is done playing God, but every once in awhile he reminds us of his divine gift.

Mike Zigomanis; so much more than what we had hoped for.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

WHY THIS WEEK DIDN'T SUCK -- Nov. 17-22

Last week, finding more detailed reasons as to why the week didn't suck was difficult. The week hadn't sucked, and you, readers, were quite aware of it.

Well, this week we have some lessons for you. Pay attention.

WHY THIS WEEK DIDN'T SUCK
November 17-22


1.) We're done with the West for awhile. It's back to divisional rivalries and and catching up with the Rangers. It's becoming abundantly clear that their status as "the team to beat in the East" was only due to the fact that they were playing more games than everyone else. We'll get those bastards.

2.) Teams that play the trap are jokes. The Penguins weren't able to figure out how to play a team that trapped their offense, and this is obviously a problem. However, we're just going to call out every team that traps and say that while defense is an important part of the game, trapping isn't about playing to win, it's about playing not to lose. It's like saying to the other team, "Ooops, you wanted to play hockey? We don't play hockey, we just prevent you from playing hockey." It's the system of assholes and people with no talent and twincest bait. Teams that trap rarely win Cups unless by chance they're playing a team that is a total fucking joke from the other conference. Minnesota ain't getting in no SCF, guys. They are the epitome of a team that is ALL GOALIE. And the Canucks beat us because they were playing in full-desperation mode after their season went to the dressing room in the first period. Not to mention the power play being drunk, but it's cool.

Even Alain Vigneault thinks his team is hilarious.

3.) Our team is still pretty awesome. Sabu is proving to be a capable backup and Philippe Boucher is a great acquisition. We miss Sydor and we still cross ourselves Roman Catholic style every time we hear MAF's name, but both Sabu and Boucher have been huge. Boucher may not be entirely used to our system yet, and he has made some mistakes, but he is sick as hell on the penalty kill. We'd like to hang out at the bar with him, no lie.

4.) Clearly something is amiss in the universe this week anyway. The Bruins are at the top of the East and if we did the playoffs tomorrow, the Blue Jackets would qualify. It's one of those anomalous weeks that we'll forget sooner than later.

I mean, they blanked the Thrashers.


And Milan Lucic is still a thug.

5.) Kim met some sheep after hitchhiking to Delaware County, PA.

Maybe Owen Nolan was there? Should she have asked for his autograph?


There you go, friends. . .WHY THIS WEEK DIDN'T SUCK.

We're excited about an Islanders game the way you get excited about a wrapped Christmas present that feels like socks.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

too bad they don't score hockey like horseshoes

This game was mud in about seventy different ways.
Whatever, we're over it.

Here are the awards.

MOMENT YOU BARELY REMEMBERED BY THE END OF THE GAME

Anything that happened last night. 2:00 pm games are a joke. The only people watching this game that weren’t hung over were children and pussies. The NHL should reconsider its fanbase when planning games like this. Whatever reason they give you for early games is untrue. They’re just being dicks.

BEST FIGHT BEFORE THE FIRST MINUTE WAS UP

When most people were still heading to their couch with a sandwich to settle in and watch the game, Matt Cooke reminded us that missing a second of hockey is inexcusable. 25 seconds into the game he lands a hard, low blow and suddenly we can’t keep track of all of the fists being thrown. Cooke is fighting Hansen, TK is on Kesler and Orpik is on Burrows. We can’t even see all of the fights at once, the camera men are just showing you which one is more exciting at any given moment. We all try to figure out when the hell we started hating the Canucks so badly.

Bob Errey can’t control his bliss and giggles throughout the whole thing.

From Matt Cooke: “I am a Pittsburgh Penguin now.” Damn straight you are.

WORST LIFE DECISION MADE BY A REF

Let’s hope the ref isn’t too fond of his home, because Therrien’s about to become an arsonist. Orpik’s fight started earlier but the Refs were too busy jerking each other off to notice it. Cooke and Hansen get shown the door for game misconduct. The ref has no idea what he has just done. Therrien is pouring gasoline on his lawn as you read this.

Keeping with the spirit of the game, Talbot gets into a scuffle with O’Brien and gets sent to hang out with TK and Orpik in the penalty box, which is starting to look more like a frat party.

MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY

Reaching out to block a Boucher shot that went wide, Luongo goes down, something up with his leg. Luongo is a beast in the net and was headed for the Vezina and is an all around good guy to boot. Hopefully nothing too bad happened and he’ll be back in it in a few games.

Curtis Sanford, celebrated actor, takes the net for the rest of the game.

LEAST EFFECTIVE EXCHANGE OF POWER PLAYS

One of the Sedins - who the fuck cares which - hooks Crosby. We get a few close ones. Fedo gets sent to the box for slashing. Bob Errey talks about short sticks for two minutes and it’s over. There is a brief break in the exchange of penalties in which GoGo slaps one towards the net like a man. GoGo for Calder. It misses, but we are consoled by Max Talbot being an ass in an A&L Motor Sales commercial. We get one more chance to not ruin a PP when a puck sails over the glass. Mud.

ACADEMY AWARD WINNING PERFORMANCE

Curtis Sanford only plays hockey because he didn’t make it onto Broadway. Staalsy gets directed into Sanford by Ohlund and Sanford’s head taps the post. He will never walk again. He can’t breathe. He thinks his retina detached. He is bleeding everywhere. There has never been a worse injury in hockey history. Somehow we think he’ll live.

THE TWINCEST BAIT AWARD

Eventually something actually happens. Too bad it’s Demitra skating around the net and shoveling one in, assisted by the wonder twins.

They just creep us out.

The first ends, it’s 0-1

BEST DISPLAY OF SELF PROMOTION

Boucher gives an interview with Potash in the intermission report that makes us love him even more. Just in case we weren’t convinced enough by his off-ice appearance, he comes back and kills a Canucks power play single handedly. Boucher, if that was you asking if we want to be your best friends, the answer is yes. What a guy.

MOST IMPRESSIVE CASE OF HYPNOSIS PREFORMED ON AN ENTIRE NHL TEAM

During the intermission someone decided to try and sabotage the Pens by hypnotizing them all into believing that the puck would explode if they touched it. This resulted in a game of hot potato as everyone tried to get the puck to the Canucks as fast as they possibly could.

Teaching us a lesson in the limits of hypnosis were Boucher and Letang. Lefties are incapable of having their minds controlled via hypnotism. It isn’t enough to carry us, though, and one of the wonder twins gets it in.

MOST DONATIONS TO THE LOST AND FOUND

Dupuis loses his stick, Letang loses a helmet, The Penguins lose their memories of how to play hockey. You almost lose your breakfast (fucking 2pm game) when you see Crosby wrap around the Canuck’s goal post and take a second getting up. It’s already speculated that he’s injured, it’s not like he really needs anything else.



The rest of the second period is a blur. Zoe and I waste time wondering if I could outdrink Max Talbot. He’s playing like he had a rough night.

The second ends at 0-2

THE THANK YOU FOR REMINDING US THAT THIS IS PENS HOCKEY AWARD

Just in case you forgot the phrase “third period team” Ziggy takes a pass from TK from the faceoff circle and reminds you. We all breathe a sigh of relief, suddenly remembering how these things tend to go.

THE ALMOST AWARD

The rest of the third period is just a waiting game for us tying it in the last 30. Or at least that’s what we had hoped. Every near miss you jumped out of your seats, ready to be as excited as a Thrashers fan for a tie game.

At first you are so care-free that you can giggle at Talbot’s preference for purple Gatorade. Around the three minute mark those nerves that we know all too well started to kick in.

When we pull Sabu, the mood is grim. The Canuks give us more of an excuse to be, sinking in an empty netter at 19:48.

Pens lose 3-1.


INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

THE INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE AWARD

Curtis Sanford, please save your theatrics for pretending to not stare at little boys in public. Thank you in advance.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Boucher- The man is quickly becoming one of our favorites. He stepped up this game and let us know that he could PK with the best of them.

2. Letang- Tanger has been stepping it up recently. Not that he didn’t wow us before, just now he’s really pushing it into overdrive.

3. The Wonder Twins – If you were watching FSN there was a bench view of these tools mirroring one another’s actions that made you wonder if you were as drunk as Max Talbot was last night. It was creepy.


PENS 1 CANUCKS 3
What a game.
Hopefully we never lose again.


Pens Vs. Canucks

The Canucks game starts soon. We have no real pregame for you because…well, it’s a game at 2:00 pm and that is a joke.

Here’s what you need to know: haven’t seen the SCF since 1994, never won the cup, and they are nothing but goalie. Oh, and they have a hall of famer named Gump Worsley.

Here’s Taylor Pyatt trying to give Gonchar a blow job in hopes of absorbing some of his power.




Enjoy the game, even if it is at a retarded time.

Friday, November 21, 2008

CRASH MY NET FRIDAY

HEY GUYS WELCOME TO CRASH MY NET FRIDAY!

What we might have forgotten to mention in the last post is that we base this honor of CRASHING NETS on weekly performance.
The Pens have only played three games since the last time we did this, and there's one guy who's standing out.

MATT COOKE CAN CRASH MY NET
(He is married; we totally repsect that. If you take these posts seriously, you're READING THE WRONG BLOG.)



Matt Cooke wins the award this week because he's pretty much the only person getting physical when the game is looking like crap. He delivers hits so hard that you'll forget Jarkko Ruutu's name. He's just coming off of a career-high five-game point streak. Quality player, no question about it. Thanks, Shero. Since Cooke has only been with the Penguins for a short time, he's not always going to be in a Pens uniform as we celebrate how awesome he is, but that's okay. Because when you're awesome, you're awesome no matter where you play.

BEST FEATURE

Smile, Mattie Cooke. We love your missing-tooth grin.
If you're a badass in the game of hockey, your dental work is on the line every night.
Not only is Matt Cooke a badass, he's a happy badass.


LAST SURGE OF DESIRE
In the game against the Wild, Sabu let in a really soff Own Goal. Everyone makes mistakes. We'll come up with a highlight reel of Brodeur vomiting on himself if you have anything bad to say about that. The team comes to Sabu, tells him it's okay, that they'll get it back for him. Matt Cooke picks up a Staalsy rebound ten seconds later, like he's Thomas Vanek or something. So far, this is the fastest answer to a goal by any team this season. Ten seconds, everyone. Sabu wasn't the only person who would make love to him after that shit.

THE WHOLESOMENESS PART OF IT
There's no possible way we can say enough about how adorable and kind Matt Cooke has proven to be. The Penguins tend to collect people like this. The management must have a sixth sense for them. He founded the Cooke Family Foundation of Hope in 2006, whose mission statement is "to provide assistance to individuals faced with health, financial and emotional life changes." He hopes to have it registered soon in the US, as it is in Canada. So wholesome, eh?

He has three children and an absolutely beautiful wife. We're glad they like Pittsburgh, 'cause we like them.

Being able to destroy people on the ice is all business--Matt Cooke is proof that being considered a pest in the NHL doesn't mean you're a pest in real life.


WHAT HAPPENS ON THE MORNING AFTER
O HAI SORRY I HAD TO SAVE YOU FROM GETTING RAPED BY ALEXANDER OVECHKIN IN A DARK ALLEY WAS THE GUEST ROOM COMFY? MY WIFE MADE WAFFLES DO YOU WANT SOME?


CONVERSELY, WHO IS NOT EVEN ALLOWED NEAR OUR NETS
Colton Gillies

- his name is actually Colton
- we have no idea what's going on in this picture

Thank you for tuning in for this week's installment of CRASH MY NET FRIDAY.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

your high school hockey team versus crosby's left testicle

Did this game even happen?
We were watching a feed of Atlanta's broadcast.
It's just like FSN-P, except shitty.
They have Georgia Power instead of Consol Energy.
Let's move on to the awards.

BEST FANS IN THE NHL
Colby Armstrong's childhood neighbors in Saskatoon found a pond somewhere and screamed louder than the city of Atlanta tonight. We're also pretty sure their announcers are some dudes they picked up trying to scalp tickets outside the arena. They might have seen three hockey games in their lives, so they're probably Atlanta's most loyal fans. They can't figure out which penalties were being tacked onto our defensemen during the first period--we think they made them up.

It's really nice when the fans can step up to fill in key roles. Check out all those empty seats. You may say that my empty seats comment has no credence because it's intermission, but actually no one in Atlanta leaves their seats during intermission, because they're scared they might miss something.

In another interesting promotion by the Thrashers, if you're the 5434th person to text PLAY to 6969, the Thrashers might let you play on a line with Kozlov against Columbus on Saturday.

THE GOAL YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE
Kozlov's.
Who wouldn't want to skate on a line with him?
Here is Kozlov in a recent game against the Boston Bruins, about to have his anus violated by Phil Kessel:

It's good that he can still get cheap tip-ins to put the Thrashers in the lead.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A COMMERCIAL BREAK
Men's Warehouse shows up twice during the commercial break, a bad omen for Atlanta since none of their men can rock a suit. When they come back, Atlanta is caught doing some serious Colbycam. Camming your players before they score pretty much always means they won't. Sorry, Colbs.

Colby looks scared of Miroslav, don't you think?
Moments later, we are informed that Crosby bought Armstrong dinner tonight. We're not going to go there. He must have forgotten to order dessert because he stole a cookie from Max Talbot in the neutral zone or some shit.

Next thing you know, Satan himself comes up with his own cheap tip-in.



BIGGEST BROADCAST MISTAKE
Everyone watching the game realizes that they were accidentally shown twenty minutes of freshman boys' ice hockey practice at some rink in southern Texas. The teams, having been informed of this during intermission, decide to start getting nasty. Kovalchuk outskates someone and falls down in shock of his achievement, and then leads the most embarrassing 2-on-1 we've seen so far this season. The Penguins answer with another embarrassing 5-on-3 performance. If they'd had the 2-man disadvantage, they probably would have buried it.

REBIRTH OF THE CROSBY HIGHLIGHT REEL
Tyler Kennedy throws the puck at the net like a champ, and Crosby is there to score from his ass. It's one of those legendary Crosby goals that YouTube is all about. We love to see that shit, especially from TK, who is, after all, the new face of the NHL.

THE MOMENT YOU STARTED WORRYING ABOUT DANY SABOURIN
You'd forgotten Sabu's ability to epic fail, but then some joke named Jim Slater buries a wraparound. By the end of the second period, Sabourin has only seen eleven shots and allowed two goals, the same amount that Ondrej Pavelec has allowed after seeing 24.

You've never seen fans so stoked about a tie game before. Someone probably gives out free acid and Thrashers sweaters to get people to come to this arena.

WE INTERRUPT THIS RECAP TO BRING YOU A VERY IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Puck Huffers is pleased to announce:
WE ENDORSE ALEX GOLIGOSKI FOR THE CALDER TROPHY.

He is one of the best offensive defensemen to make a debut in years.
In the second period, he channeled Sidney Crosby by taking his own passes in Atlanta's zone and outskating at least three assholes.
He leads rookie defensemen so far this season in points, with 9.
The last d-man to win was Barret Jackman. Jokes.
Who else are you gonna give it to? Luke Schenn?
ALEX GOLIGOSKI FOR CALDER.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled recap.

MOST UNEXPECTED RUINER OF LIVES
Kris Letang is a great defenseman. He crushes dreams with his diving poke-check, and once he destroys all existing tape of his patented shootout move, he'll be money at that again, too. He can hit. He knows how to deliver a good one. But he's not a big guy and you're not used to seeing him plant someone's head into the corner boards like that. He pulled an Orpik on Todd White, who was unable to regain his balance and skate off the ice on his own. We hope he's okay and all, but DAMN TANGER. Ka-ching.

HONORARY THIRD PERIOD TEAM AWARD
Tonight, Dany Sabourin was the only Penguin getting his stomach pumped during second intermission after ODing on sleeping pills. Sabu is huge during the third period, stopping two shorthanded breakaway chances and God knows what else. This time he was the reason we had to be a third period team in the first place (two goals on eleven shots? seriously?) but we forgive him.

BIRTHDAY PRESENT AWARD
Sykora gets a stick on the game winner, a shot by Crosby. He turned 32 yesterday.
We love Petr Sykora. We find it interesting that he used to have a pet chinchilla, since he's basically the human embodiment of the chinchilla spirit.
The childlike wonder on Petr Sykora's face during a goal celebration is what being a Penguin is all about.


INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

FAILEST ABORTION
Whoever was screaming "LET'S GO THRASHERS" throughout the game, trying to get a chant started in an empty fucking arena.
It made our ears bleed.
It's okay to cheer for your team in an obnoxious way, but when you're the only person saying anything, you should probably shut up.

THE GEORGIA ANSWER TO DANNY POTASH

This bitch.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Petr Fever - There ain't no cure.

2. Tyler Kennedy - Fastest man alive.

3. Ilya Kovalchuk - Forgot to point at someone.

PENS 3 THRASHERS 2
We normally say "what a game" right here.
But we're still not sure what happened.

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoë Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.