Monday, December 29, 2008

WHY TIM WALLACE IS A MAN and Bruins preview

Yep, it's time to dredge up an old friend, the WHY HE IS A MAN feature. I will also talk about Boston a little.

Sorry about drunkblogging last night. *blush* I guess it's something I'll have to get used to.

ANYWAY.

BASIC STATS
Name: Timothy Wallace, Alaskan Storm, Ph.D.
Number: 63
Occupation: Ruining Lives

WHEN HIS MANLINESS WAS SO APPARENT THAT EVEN THE DOUBTERS WERE SILENCED
This is the moment we like to call Tim Wallace's first career NHL point. But he didn't even get a + in the stats for it, let alone a credited assist. But he did it. It was his doing.

Bad times in Flyers land. Pens would lose the game by some ridiculous score. Tim Wallace stood up some Flyer at the blueline like he'd been in the game for decades. Before heading to the bench, he got the puck to Fedo, who got it to Goligoski, who got it to Staalsy. Wham-bang. Biron may have had nightmares about Staal after the game, but it's Wallace that the Flyers should really fear. It's that kind of physical, energy play that the Penguins really benefit from. It was only his third game with the team, and it wasn't hard to be immediately impressed by him. We were on our feet after that goal. We were like, "Nice job J.Staal, but Tim Wallace is a FUCKING MAN."



LAST TIME HE GOT A CITY PREGNANT
Wallace's ability to impregnate might be a little hard to detect at times. We're going to go for what the record will show as his first NHL point. We certainly recall ourselves getting a little tingly with the complete manliness he displayed in Buffalo, but in Atlanta he made a completely amazing pass through three Thrashers to Mattie Cooke for a breakaway that made him look like Evgeni Malkin. Cooke might have finished you off, but that baby's gonna be hobbit-cute. Just like Tim Wallace.

WHAT HE DOES IN HIS SPARE TIME
Apparently, walks up to bears eating baby moose on golf courses.
Ask Bob Errey for details.

Truth be told, Tim Wallace is the #1 enemy of bears worldwide. They fear him. At yearly conventions, various species of bears contemplate the issue of how best to stop Tim Wallace from owning their asses. No conclusion is ever reached. Even hockey teams who have named themselves after bears find themselves strangely affected by his presence. We trace this back to an incident in January, when the Hershey Bears beat the Baby Pens 3-1 thanks to a stellar goaltending performance.

Wallace, reportedly disappointed at being stoned by Frederic Cassivi, dedicated his life to the destruction of bears.
He takes his job very, very seriously.

HOW HE BENDS THE UNIVERSE TO HIS WILL
He checks the universe into the boards and tells it to grow the fuck up.
The universe wonders what hit it.
Oh wait.
The Alaskan Storm just blew through.
It picked your pocket and fucked your wife.
And let's be honest, the universe's wife is HOT.

Oh, Timmy Wallace. We are so deeply in love with you.

OH WAIT IT'S BRUINS TIME
If you aren't from Boston, you are a traitor if you even for a nanosecond tolerate the sense of entitlement that emanates from Bostonians when you ask them about their sports teams. It is disgusting.

The Penguins are one of the few teams that have been able to take the Bruins to task on their own ice. Tim Thomas got owned by Evgeni Malkin in a shootout. It was good times. We spoiled their home opener. It felt glorious.



The Bruins being at the top of the East is pretty made up. Their schedule has been like a walk in the park compared to the one the Pens have had to deal with.

Pens have sucked at home lately, but we're still winning. Actually, we're never losing again.

Bring it, motherfuckers. We have Hal Gill back. Staalsy will be the youngest NHL player in history to play 200 NHL games.

If you're still crying, Petr Sykora knows what's up, as per the Trib:
"Every team goes through this," forward Petr Sykora said. "Every team that goes a long way in the playoffs at some point in the next season feels it, loses that step for a while.

"The best way to get out of it is to play smart and keep working hard. Eventually it will turn around. We have a great hockey club here. I've got no worries."


Do you have the Fever?
We do.

15 comments:

Rage said...

how i've missed yinz...

debrisslide said...

Raaaage. Where've you been?

Annie said...

I was at the Boston home opener! It was glorious. You wouldn't believe how quiet the entire arena got when Geno ended Tim Thomas' life. Then they went back to being assholes.

I said then I'd never been more ashamed to be a Masshole, but thank God I'm not from Boston. We Western-Massers are much nicer. ;)

Anywhooo, I'll be at the New Years Day game wearing my '92 Lemieux jersey and baby blue striped scarf I've been knitting.

PS, I still love you guys.

Woooooooooooo! Go Pens.

Rage said...

I think you guys have major "groupies" on here and I don't wanna feel like one of em, but I love yinz too much to stay away...a universal quandry, I know. Check your IM thingy...well...I HOPE that was you

PLUS...I was a little angry in my last Pensblog post, so i took a "homer" break.

debrisslide said...

lol Rage, I didn't get an IM. . .maybe you messaged Kim instead? I'm roccothepenguin on AIM. :D

I wanted to go to that home opener so badly. <3 you too, Annie. I get the whole "Masshole" thing sometimes but Bostonians can be such annoying rich white dickwads. I still like Boston a lot though, don't get me wrong.

Annie said...

debris - I totally get you. Boston's a great city to visit, but since I was once lost driving around for 5 hours by myself before a concert, I'm not in much of a hurry to go back (unless it's to see the Pens, of course).

Also, for some reason mostly everyone I know from western Mass makes a point of mentioning that they're not from Boston whenever the point comes up.

Rage said...

then who is americanimitation?!?!?!? OMG it's a tur-rist(ala geo.w.) Oh well...

debrisslide said...

oh, americanimitation is yahoo. . .I don't think I've used yahoo since fifth grade. Ahahaha.

Stoosh said...

Why will Boston lose tomorrow night?

The Stooshes.

C-12.

Row C

Seats 1 & 2.

Hand of Godard said...

I am an unashamed groupie.

Allison said...

As am I.

Rage said...

I'm a drunken allison rambling groupie

The Goon Blogger said...

<---Original Groupie. Just sayin'.

Pens played 2.5 period of really good hockey. We're still turning that corner, it's not really a corner though, it's kinda like an english loop. So it like, takes a while, and we might have to go around again if we can't turn off.

"Hey Kids, Big Ben, Parliament."

The Goon Blogger said...

Tim Wallace is a Man addition, btw.

That fight with Lucic. What a man Wallace is, I'd do him.

Allison said...

Oh rage, I'd have been great the other night except I was too damn drunk to log into blogger. I'm pretty sure it would been epic. But anyway, I'm feeling another night of "fuck the flyers" coming on... O and january 5th? I might make the gore explode.

And goon, I can't wait to see that wallace fight. I missed thr third period and from the comments I've read I can't wait to see wallace fight Lucic.

 
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