Tuesday, December 9, 2008

WHY HE IS A(N) [INJURED] MAN

Instead of doing a specific WHY HE IS A MAN post, we decided it was high time we recognized our boys on the IR and anyone else out for assorted injuries. Oh, how we miss you boys.

THE BOYS OF THE IR

Name: Sergei Gonchar
Number: 55
Injury: Left Shoulder

WHY WE MISS HIM
Sergei was like the peanut butter to Orpik’s jelly. As a defensive pairing, the two were unstoppable. Gonch is a high point defenseman, stunning the world with his ability to get the puck to the net. He also doesn’t give a fuck if he has to take a vicious hit, his body was official property of the Pens and he put his ass on the line nightly. We want said ass back.

A FUN STORY ON THIS SUBJECT
We’d seek revenge and threaten David Kočí for what he did, tell him that if he ever played hockey again he’d be dead or something, but we think Orpik already got to it. After one game, a SO loss to Minnesota in which he registered 0:41 seconds of ice time and 4 PIM, Tampa Bay shipped him off to the Blues. There he played four games, three of which were losses, lost in fight to Colton Orr, and then was sent back to Tampa Bay, where in his first game back he broke his hand in ANOTHER fight with Colton Orr and was put on IR. He logged a grand total of 2:49 TOI, is -2, and has 18 PIM. IN THE ENTIRE SEASON. Orpik must stand over Kočí’s bed nightly and talk about how good intestines taste. This is what happens when you fuck with Sergei Gonchar.

PROJECTED RETURN
Word is that Gonch is coming back in March. In his first game back, Gonch will score two goals, bank 5 assists, and land 80 hits. You heard it here first.

Name: Philippe Boucher
Number: 43
Injury: ???

WHY WE MISS HIM
In the five games we had with Boucher, we started to love him. Man has a wicked slapper and we were starting to imagine him and Gonch working together in beautiful harmony. He hadn’t quite clicked yet, but he was looking awesome for a guy who was just shipped across the country at a moment’s notice to play with a team he didn’t know. The whole situation has that feeling of being broken up with for no specific reason. We want answers and we feel abandoned. Come back to us, Boucher.



PROJECTED RETURN
Philippe is listed as week-to-week. We wish we knew more. But when he gets back, look forward to him clicking with all of the other retuning players. He’s going to be ace, launching puck after puck at the net from the blue line and destroying any poor souls who think they can possess the puck that rightfully belongs to the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Name: Tyler Kennedy
Number: 48
Injury: Sprained knee

WHY WE MISS HIM
There is nothing about Tyler Kennedy that we DON’T miss. Seriously, Tyler Kennedy is a whole lotta awesome. He shoots with reckless abandon, he is one of our best men in the corner, he doesn’t care if he gets hit, he is the fastest man alive, and need we tell you again, he is THE NEW FACE OF THE NHL. Without him we suffer.

PROJECTED RETURN
TK is out 4-6 weeks, and we’re hoping it leans more towards the four. When he comes back he’s scoring the GWG for every single game for the rest of the season / playoffs / The Stanley mother fucking Cup. As champagne rains down upon him, he will propose to his totally cute girlfriend. His life will be made into a Hockey themed romantic comedy that will gross more in the box office than Titanic, LOTR, Star Wars and Harry Potter. Combined.


ASSORTED INJURIES

Name: Ryan Whitney
Number: 19
Injury: Left Foot

WHY WE MISS HIM
We miss Ryan Whitney for countless reasons. Reason number one being that he is a COMPLETE AND TOTAL BEAST. His offensive production is great but mostly he was designed to ruin lives defensively. And that he does. You may all recall in the Malone interviews, someone asking Whits if he had any tattoos, to which he responded “Yeah, I have hair on my chest, that’s my tattoo.” We love a man.

PROJECTED RETURN
We got the tip from Dr. Turkelton over at cblog that ESPN fantasy hockey listed the December 18th game against the Thrashers as the most probably date for Whits’ return. We hope so, as we want to avoid playing the Flyers who will directly target the foot in question. Dicks. Anyway, not like it matters, after Whits’ return teams will refuse to even touch the puck, knowing it will mean instant death, the last thing they see a glimpse of Ryan Whitney’s shoulder.

Name: Marc-Andre Fleury
Number: 29
Injury: Unspecified Lower Body

WHY WE MISS HIM
Oh, MAF. We miss your smiley, feel-good attitude, we miss your little hops and skips and ballerina twists. Mostly we miss how you destroy the hopes and dreams of aspiring goal-scorers. No one saves with the epic determination that Marc-Andre Fleury does.

PROJECTED RETURN
MAF is skating with the team again and his return is scheduled as “soon.” Which means “soon” the Penguins net will never see another puck again. MAF will get a hat trick per game. And assist every goal in the SCF.

Name: Harold Priestley “Hal” Gill, III
Number: 2
Injury: Right shoulder

WHY WE MISS HIM
Harold Priestley is a man of epic proportions. Of course we miss the standard “long stick” and “big Hal Gill” comments, and hearing his stats every five seconds. But mostly we miss this man’s vicious determination to return the puck to his team, even if he has to hear a few bones crunching while he does it. Never his own, of course. Hal Gill’s bones are made of solid titanium, a procedure he had done when he feared he would never stop getting taller.

PROJECTED RETURN
In 2-4 weeks Harold Priestley will be reunited with the boys, and the day he returns will be declared a national holiday. This is because the return of the U.S.S. Gill strikes fear into the heart of bank tellers everywhere. While his deposits are usually steady enough that they can handle the cash, they are aware that he is now saving up. When he returns there will just be TOO MUCH MONEY IN THE FUCKING BANK. Don’t expect to mail anything on that day, the post office will also be shut down in fear of checks in the mail.

Name: Mike Zigomanis
Number: 15
Injury: Unspecified, speculated arm

WHY WE MISS HIM
Of course we miss Ziggy’s mad face off skillz, it’s what we got the man for. But we also miss his surprise bonus abilities of ROCKING OUR WORLDS and making the puck find the net.

PROJECTED RETURN
With Janne Pesonen getting sent back down, we’re not sure when Ziggy is coming back. Very soon, wethinks. And that means that that not only will his own point total double, it means that we will never lose another faceoff again. Hurrah!

HEY AHL GUYS, WHAT UP?

So, seeing all of those guys written up is totally depressing. But the good news is that we have a shitton of talent being sent up to us from down below.

Janne just got reassigned, but remaining with us are Minard, Lovejoy and Curry. We trust these boys and we’re glad that they are hanging out with us while our full-time favorites are out. Maybe in the future they’ll be full-time favorites as well. This is their chance to prove they could handle that.

We have faith in you, boys. It’s fun rooting for you with the Baby Pens, but it’s more fun being able to blog about you. Take your coats off. Stay a while.


Now, Penguins players, would you kindly stop being hurt? Thank you. We really appreciate it.



Late edit: Jeff Taffe and Tim Wallace have just arrived at summer camp. Mountain pies for everyone!

3 comments:

The Goon Blogger said...

Just such a wonderful testament to the love Pens fans have for our boys. You think Flyer fans care about their injured players? They're too busy being douchebags and that's why we're better.

Quite the love in, ladies, and definatly something that needs to be said. Every now and then I think we forget that this team is only going to be better later in the year. One of the best starts in team history and we're without Sergei Gonchar, Ryan Whitney, Halbert Gill, etc? Amazing.

Go Pens. I really don't have any of my usual sweet talk to throw at you, and for that I am sorry.

Noodles and Henrik said...

@The Goon Blogger:
Glad to see that someone else likes our nickname for Halbert. Once it gets stuck in your head, you're screwed.

Orpik must stand over Kočí’s bed nightly and talk about how good intestines taste.

NIGHTMARES!

We are declaring a holiday the day that Ryan Whitney comes back.

Allison said...

That breakdown of Koci so far this season is one of the most amazing examples of kharma I have ever heard of.

 
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