Tuesday, December 30, 2008

when you gonna learn

So, Kim and I recently spent a day in Pittsburgh. We went to the zoo and ate amazing Chinese downtown. It was glorious. There is truly so much to do in Pittsburgh--so much more than in Boston. Wherever you go, there are people around, the city is moving, exciting, and you never know what's going to be around the next corner. Pittsburgh is the kind of city you can get lost in and not give a damn. The streets, the hills, the endless labyrinthes and unexpected views, the distinct neighborhoods, the honest effort you have to put forth to get everywhere, to learn your way around. The way everything is precariously perched on an unlikely angle. The terrible roads. The weird turns. The slag heaps. The hardworking people, the goofiness of them. It is the best city in America. Boston gets dead, Boston gets annoying, Boston is just a bunch of expectations that no one ever quite lives up to. Not that there aren't parts of Boston that I love. I love my school and I love Chinatown and the many outlying areas of Boston, such as Cambridge and Brookline and Somerville. But Boston can suck a cock, because most modern-day Bostonians you meet are entitled rich white assholes. And it's easy to get bored in Boston. Believe me, I'm in college there. If college kids can't keep busy in Boston, you know it's a town with issues.

What does this have to do with hockey? Absolutely nothing. But we'd rather watch the Pens lose at home to the Bruins than be hometown Bruins fans. Because their city will never be as great as Pittsburgh is. And if you watched the game, their hockey team really isn't all that great either. Much like Bostonians, the Bruins tend to get everything handed to them.

Let's examine this trend, awards show style.

MOST IMPROVED
Before the game, FSN decides to take us deep within the Penguins' souls on the subject of New Year's resolutions. We learn that Jordan Staal still eats chocolate, that Fleury is still late for everything, that Biz Nasty just wants a shot on net in the NHL, for Christ's sake.

But Max Talbot takes the question very, very seriously. He thinks. He tells us in his most sincere tone that he desires more patience, that he wants to think through his actions more. With his 25th birthday looming, this is a "turning point" in Max's life. We believe you, Max. We're pretty sure you're not going to end up naked on the Internet again. But of course, we have no proof that you weren't drunk during your interview. We'll give you the award, pending the results of a drug test. Regardless of what happens, we love you anyway.

TERRIBLE SIGNS THAT YOU DIDN'T NOTICE BECAUSE IT WAS STILL TIED
Whitney-Gill is the opening d-pair. The Bruins commit icing and Fleury makes a few huge saves to start things off right. Fedotenko beat the Bruins to a puck in their own end to cancel icing, but the referees disagree. Really, we should have seen this as an omen. We then find out that Goligoski is playing wing, for whatever reason. Mark Eaton ends up in the box, but we're used to that. Killed. One of the Bruins snatches a puck out of the air for a great glove save. Both goaltenders are standing tall in general. The Pens' PK comes through again when Sykora ends up in the box for a bullshit delay of game. You're not worried. Staal makes a beautiful poke check to thwart the Bruins' rush once again. Good times in PK land. You barely notice we're a man down, of course forgetting to ask yourself why the bad breaks have even been happening.

MOST UNLIKELY CENTERMAN
For some reason, Dustin Jeffrey is centering a line with Fedotenko and Sykora. Fedo brings the puck ahead with some great battling along the boards. Gets it to Jeffrey, who takes a bad angle shot, something the Pens are sorely needing lately. Our farm team boys are INSANELY good. Thomas makes the pad save. Fedo touches it, and it bounces back on Thomas. But the next rebound is to the stick of Petr Sykora.

Backhanded. 1-0.
Dustin Jeffrey's first NHL point, a secondary assist.
Beauty.

MOMENT YOU BARELY REMEMBERED BY THE END OF THE GAME
Thanks to Dustin Jeffrey in general, the Bruins play the rest of the period demoralized. They trip Orpik. We recover well from their attempts to clear and pressure them a lot. Phil Kessel gets a breakaway chance, but Malkin owns him utterly and completely. At this point, you know we're winning. You can taste it.

At the end of the period, Boston has yet to block a shot. Jokes.
I predict a Tim Wallace natural hat trick in the third. Just for fun.

MOST UNCERTAIN PARENTAGE
They say Zdeno Chara is Slovak, but we're pretty sure that the Bruins GM found him in the woods decades ago, wrapped in a blanket, apparently lost from the passing circus caravan. He was a normal child aside from slight jaundice. By feeding him a diet of egg yolks and boiled testicles, he was grown to inhuman size and forced to play hockey.

He ties it up on one of those cross-crease plays. Okay. We don't care.

CHEAPEST SHOT
Phil Kessel punches Talbot in the back of the head for no apparent reason. Talbot defends himself. Two minutes each for roughing. Thomas robs Crosby on the ensuing 4-on-4. Fleury does some robbery himself. Man, was he trying.

THE TIME OF UTTER GENEROSITY
Malkin apparently can commit a hooking penalty without touching anyone. 4 on 3. They score on a completely gross shot from right in Fleury's kitchen. We see a line of Malkin-Crosby-Dupuis ruining lives. Dupuis proves his worth again with a rocket slapshot, which he is apparently great at, thanks to an awesome steal at the blueline by Crosby.

Tie game. Did the Penguins give up a lead at Mellon again? We can't remember. We're battling back. It feels good.

Oh wait, Phil Kessel reminds everyone why he's so good at cheap shots. 3-2.

Malkin is given an interference penalty immediately following a face-off, another gift from the officials, who apparently wanted to give him SOMETHING for being such a beast. We see it replayed and it was apparently a penalty for playing hockey. Somehow the Pens keep them off the scoreboard to end the period. Errey is hopeful heading into the third.

BEST PENALTY KILL THAT DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Matt Cooke gets two minutes for nothing.
Hal Gill and Dustin Jeffrey are both PK geniuses, and Staal gets a shorthanded chance, but the refs have given the Bruins another present, the momentum.
They interfere with Crosby, just for fun.
Somehow this ends up in a goal for Martin St. Pierre and his impossibly long stick, which Errey hasn't shut up about all night.

4-2
Okay.
They had a 3-on-1 during a Penguins power play.
Inexcusable.
Were we winning this at some point?
Goligoski tries to own Kessel, hook'd, their PP, imaginary goal by Wideman, blah blah blah blah blah HUGLAGHUAGLAHAG






NOW WE'RE JUST GETTING SPITEFUL
Eaton was hobbled blocking a shot.
You almost want him to be injured so we can see less of him.
Apparently Dustin Jeffrey is the only player on the Penguins team that gives a shit.
The Bruins try to have sex with Jeffrey in protest of his giving a shit. No call. The Penguins stop playing hockey, freeing up some time on the airwaves for discussion of Errey's obsession with stick tape.

Sykora called for hooking. No one saw it.

EATON WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HURT WHY IS HE KILLING THE PENALTY OH MY FUCKING GOD

You probably shot yourself in the face before the penalty was killed.

BRIGHTEST SPOT OF THE GAME
Wallace held his own in a fight with the larger, more thuggish Milan Lucic.
We fucking hate Milan Lucic. Wallace didn't own him, but the fact that Wallace fought like a man is enough for us.

Lucic gets an extra two for roughing since he basically took cheap shots at Wallace to instigate the fight.
The Alaskan Storm didn't give a shit.
Nothing happens on the power play.
Pens lose.
Suck our cocks.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

BEST EFFORT FOR THE PENS TONIGHT
Bob Errey.
In some postgame commentary, Errey says that the Penguins need to "go after a Chara" if they want to start winning games.
We're into this.
Some people need to go down.
Matt Cooke, we're looking at you to get the job done. You are one beastly motherfucker, failed Cookie Breaks aside.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
Actually, I'm not even doing this.
Whoever spoke up at the players only meeting that was held after tonight's game, you have our hearts always and forever.
The next time the Pens play, it will be a new year.
We look forward to it.
Because we know they're men and they can absorb their losses and turn it around.
Talbot has been steadily improving. Gill is back. Fleury is a beast, especially when the defense doesn't hang him out to dry. *COUGH*
We have talent, skills, and a system that could fucking ruin Boston's, if we'd FUCKING PLAY IT.
Asshole referees don't help either.
Sometimes momentum gets shifted and there's nothing you can do.
We're over it.

Go Pens 2009.

9 comments:

Rina said...

I watched the game as well and GODDAMMIT. I wanted to throw stuff at my TV in the hopes it would magically knock one of the refs into next week. As for Chara, he just scares me. You girls are awesome, FYI. I read the entire blog in one sitting. Fantastic.

rach the h said...

God, I am now thankful that I didn't watch this game. Even time spent with my entire family seems well-spent now that I know all I missed was the recent Mellon Arena bullshit. Although it might actually have been worth it just to see how fierce the Alaskan Storm can be.

Go Pens 2009 indeed.

Kelli said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kelli said...

Read but don't comment. Lazy like that. But have to say, Dupuis is the only one right now looking like he gives a shit. Maybe he's pissed because the boys won't share the bong with him. Whatever, it pays off.

Staal is begging for shortie. He keeps trying.

Crosby is a liar. Remember pre-season when he said he was gonna shoot more? Don't see any of that shit. Maybe he wasn't talking about shooting at the puck but at... (your imagination can fill the rest in)

SteveThePirate said...

Love the first paragraph.
Homesickblog = me.
Learning that Max isn't yet 25 made me wonder what I'm doing with my life. Reevaluationblog.
Anyway, I've taken to reading the Pensblog before your wonderful blog because you girls have a knack for putting a positive spin on disastrous games. I'm excited for the next game, I think the players' meeting is going to motivate our boys to "clean up" quiet-city Boston, Boondock Saints style.

SteveThePirate said...

BTW, Happy New Year in 4 and a half hours. I live in the future.
GO PENS!

Hand of Godard said...

I have a new man-crush on Tim Wallace. At least December is over and we can put this shitty month behind us. I am looking forward to better things in 2009. Happy New Year.

Katherine said...

uh oh uh oh... allison drunken comment in t-minus about 2 hours or soooo...whoooo

Allison said...

uhhh that was me lol in my friends blogger oopssss

 
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