Saturday, December 27, 2008

if we keep playing like this, we'll be fine.

We’re not mad about losing this game. We just hope it doesn’t discourage the team.
We played amazingly. Sometimes you play amazingly and lose.
We outplayed the Habs for most of the game.
Mellon didn’t award Price a star, which is the most retarded thing we’ve ever heard.
The man robbed us blind.

As an expert in Penguins losses over the past month, I am sending out the official notice to not even worry about this game. It was excellent to watch. It wasn’t a vomit-fest loss like we’ve seen so often. We’re proud of this game, and you should be too.

Here are some awards.

BEGINNING THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY
You had hardly settled down into the couch before you had to grimace about Plekanec messing around behind the net. He hits it out to Kostitsyn who gets it in. Seriously? Come on. The beer isn’t even open yet and it’s 0-1.

We act like it never happened. We kill off a penalty Malkin got for holding. We have a magnificent Malkin/Cosby/Fedo play. The AHL line draws a penalty. We get in some good shots.

We’re officially not worried about the game.

MOST OBVIOUS MAN CRUSH
Bob Errey says Whits looks “thick.” We think it’s a compliment, albeit a very sexual one. He raves about Whitney’s body for a few minutes, sometimes just making noises of awe. Bob Errey just can’t help himself. He loves the Penguins too much for words.

AHH. WOW. GAAHHH.
We know, Bob, we know.

“MOST SHAMELESS” SUPERLATIVE
Kovalev has his own tips and tricks video that he watches to improve his game.

Maybe doing that in secret is okay or something but he doesn’t. How do we know? Because Bob Errey knows. Apparently Kovalev thinks it’s cool enough to talk about.
It isn’t.

LAST LUCKY BOUNCE OF THE NIGHT
Dupuis is a man. He works the puck towards the net and it manages to touch every single seat in the arena before finally settling in behind Price, at which point it is covered in popcorn butter and gum.

Crosby attempts to tap it in for assurance, but no worries, Dupuis gets full credit for being sexy. Wait. We mean for getting the goal.

Talbot and Wallace playing together is like some sort of awesome wet dream come true. We hope to see it more often.

MOST UNNECESSARY FINAL TOUCH
1.6 seconds left in the first.
Kostitsyn again with another bullshit behind the net play from Plekanec.

Malkin's face says it all.
"Are you fucking serious?"

We’re screaming hat trick like we’re Bob Errey or something. Please, don’t let it happen.
1-2

INTERMISSION REPORT MOST CATERED TO PUCK HUFFERS TASTES
Instead of the normal FSN intermission report, I tuned in to Don Cherry yelling about hockey. His suit was not as disastrous as usual, but he was just as livid about everything and every one.

Fine points made:

-Cal Clutterbuck shouldn’t be fighting with a visor on. Some fantastic footage of Gretzky freaking out on him. Hilarious. We hate people who agitate with visors on. But we love Cal.
-Hartnell broke his toe. Hopefully he will be out for the entire season.
-Crosby should stop wasting so much time with the press.

Canada should print Don Cherry on some money or something. What a fantastic national icon. Entering the second period is refreshing after watching Don Cherry rant.

BEST GOAL SCORING TUTORIAL
The Habs were getting goals from totally absurd plays behind the net. Fleury, kind enough to believe that maybe Plekanec had the skill to get a wraparound, was fooled twice.

Crosby shows them how to do a real wraparound and ties it up. We don’t like playing catch up. We’re hoping for two in a row now.

To thank him for helping the team out with the goal tutorial, Latendresse crosschecks Crosby in the back of the head. Dr. Errey let's us know about the severity of the injury. Apparently he was hit right "where your brain stem is. Very sensitive area of the head." He writes out a prescription for Sid and sends him to the nearest phramacy. Must have worked, he was back in no time.

CLOSEST CALL THAT WOULD HAVE CAUSED MASS SUICIDE
We'll be honest and tell you that this review could have easily been another self-pitying sob fest. Maf was behind the net playing the puck and somehow it almost ended up being a totally open netted own goal.

Our faithful announcers take us back to the famous Ryan O'byrne own goal.
Habs fans booed him and gave him a shitty time about it.
We like to think we would have just sat in stunned silence.
We don't boo our players.
In fact, we don't really boo OTHER players.
Pens fans tend to be classy.

Luckily we didn't have to worry about the manners of the paticular attending crowd. The puck went wide. Thank God. Instead we take it back and get a few great scoring chances before the period ends.

LEAST CUTE HATTIE EVER
We're used to seeing adorableness in our hattie preformances. Petr Sykora was like a happy child. Pascal Dupuis has children, and they were probably pretty happy. We have experience with adorable hat tricks.

I'm sorry, Kostitsyn, your hat trick just made us kind of sick.
Maybe you should develop a chinchilla attachment or something.
You just aren't adorable.
3-2

THE "WANTING IT" AWARD
Sometimes we feel like the Penguins just don't want it.
We feel like they lose the all important hope.
Not this time.

We finished this game proud.
We had huge chances, enormous chances, unreal chances.
We took shots, we made great passes, we minimized turnovers and kept it in their end. Price said no. He was having an unreal game.

We never, not for one second played like we had lost faith, which is more than we can say for so many previous games. We played like our pride was on the line and we really showed them a hard game. There were plenty of reasons they still beat us.
We are tired.
They are rested.
Bounces.
Price was relentless.
It doesn't matter what reasons there are, because we still showed up big time.

Oh, we wanted it. We wanted it bad.
But you know how it goes.

PENS 2 HABS 3
PENS LOSE

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
MOST RUSSIAN NON RUSSIAN
In the third period Talbot's line was looking beautiful.
Talbot outskated 3 Habs to bring it ahead, halted at the half-boards and passed it to the trailer.
It was the most Russian we've ever seen him look.
HEY TALBOT
Красивые туфли, хочешь ебать?

...and that is the only Russian phrase we know.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Carey Price- We hate it when other arenas don't give credit where credit is due. Price is the star of this game. We hate to say it, but congratulations for a totally solid goaltending performance, Habs.

2. Timmy Wallace- The Alaskan Storm was everywhere tonight. His shifts are exciting, he's always hitting someone. Bob Errey has a well developed man crush on him. He's cool by us.

3. Poor Mrs. Steigerwald- Happy Birthday, ma'am. We are sorry your son thinks that, despite your protests, it is ever okay to announce a woman's age on air. He's done it to players' wives, but his own mother? Have a fantastic birthday asides from him being an ass.

4. Dupuis- We're chucking him a bonus star for being everywhere.

Seriously. He looked amazing.

They all did.

Pens 2 Sabres 3

Therrien just said it in his post game presser.
"If we keep playing like this, we'll be fine."
The boys know they played well, so you don't have to waste your time thinking twice about it.

What a game.
It's still good to be back.

6 comments:

The Goon Blogger said...

Asking a French Canadian if they want to have sex in Russian, classic.

This is why this blog is a big deal.

I felt the same way after this game, the boys played with their balls out (I really don't know how that's a good thing, but it totally is) and were kicking ass.

As the Goon Blogger, I was pretty upset there was no Godard v. Laraque. Hopefully next time...

Stoosh said...

I respectfully take back everything I said earlier in the week about Max Talbot.

The A&L Spokesman was on absolute fire tonight. If he's playing with an injury, he either thrives on pain, or he had one fucking monster of a cortisone shot before the game and he won't be able to move tomorrow.

Tonight, this looked like the Max that we've come to know and love.

Molly said...

yeah i liked his shoes, too!

we did play great, but the habs were just .000000001% better than us. and half the time, they got lucky.

here comes boston. get ready.

Noodles and Henrik said...

That Ryan Whitney picture just about killed me. Thank you.

And how did you watch Don Cherry without laughing at how ridiculous he is? He calls the Kostitsyns the Kostiggins. Nice.

The Goon Blogger said...

Don Cherry is a joke. Just sayin'

Kimberlass said...

Don Cherry is the fucking man. Eat it.

 
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