Saturday, December 27, 2008

a boxing day miracle.

It's good to be back.

Okay, well, it's good to show signs of beginning to come back. We're not declaring it a turnaround just yet. We're just hoping that it is. The guys were playing like they were rediscovering one another, only in a less sexual way than that just sounded. Only slightly less sexual, though. We're thinking that this may be a sign that we're back on track.

Despite Pittsburgh being my home sweet home, I am sadly not a born and bred Pittsburghian. It's a tragedy, I know, don't hold it against me. I'm a native of Suffolk, England, which means that although not Canadian, the honoring of Boxing Day is still in my blood. First winning recap in over a month, what a gift.

Happy fucking Boxing Day, boys.
In return, here are your awards.

MOST PROMISING BEGINNING
Zoe and I started out the game the way we recommended you do it; huge, bleeding steaks. I missed the first five minutes of the game for that piece of cattle, but hey, we won. Don't go complaining if something works.

Anymore you hesitate to say that the Pens are playing well to start off. You know that your heart can easily be crushed if you get too hopeful. But you can hardly help it this beginning is so quietly epic. Gogo is making some big hits, Sykie is letting loose slappers, MAF is showing up huge and Bob Errey is already on his game with quotes.
"Somebody's always gotta be high."
We hate to disagree, Robert, but we'd prefer no one be high in this game.
We hear Mr. B. Nasty snapped Adam Hall's tracfone in half the moment he got called up. He was not having that shit making him look bad.
Thank you, Mr. Nasty. We appriciate it.
Holy shit, was that Satan forechecking?
The puck is getting in deep and staying there.
You can't help but be excited now.
Oh God, please don't crush our spirits again, Penguins...be merciful.

MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY
Mattie Cooke flips the puck into the Devils end and Talbot goes storming after it. Mottau shoves his stick between Talbot's legs (what are you, in the fifth grade?) and sends him crashing into the boards, leaving him in a heap on the ice, clutching his head.

You're apologising to God for all of those times you prayed to Curry during games.
You wish you could remember when church opened in the morning.
Then you realize it's Friday.
Oh fuck, Talbot is going to die and you are going to hell and to top it off Cooke gets a ten minute misconduct for something we don't even see happen.

You sob all through the power play.
It's cool, nothing really happened.

THE GRACEFULLY FLOWING MULLET AWARD
Remember when Jagr had his mullet well past when it was welcome?
Malkin is joining the ranks of offensive hair cuts.


We're not sure if we want it cut off or preserved forever.
Isn't that shit making his neck hot?
Oh God.

THE BABY MOOSE AWARD
When preparing for your first NHL game, many things must run through your head. All of the what-ifs playing on loop, trying to prepare yourself for what is to come.
Being called up to the Penguins adds the mental strain of wondering what the fuck Bob Errey is going to say about you on air.
Dustin Jeffery, according to Bob Errey, is a confident young man.
From a farm.
With exactly 16 cows.
No more, no less.
"No sod, eh?"
Take a shot.


He may not have done well on the faceoffs, but he's a responsible winger. We like him. 16 cows and all.

REEMERGENCE OF CURRYANITY
Talbot is back on the ice, reaffirming that Curry is a deity.
You are doing nothing wrong.

To apologise for worrying you while he was watching an episode of Rocko rather than being omnipotent, Curry replenishes your hope with some wicked shots, good chances, more Satan miracles and some beautious passes by Boucher.

The first period ends and you are reconstructing your shrine. You acted too soon, oh ye of little faith.

BITCHIN' SERIES OF EVENTS THAT ACTUALLY ENDED HAPPILY
We're getting used to watching amazing shit happen and then having it whisked away and put into our net. So it was refreshing to see some hard work in the second period end in something awesome.

MAF saves an Elias shot like he saw it in a dream last night and was just waiting for the moment to come. Sykie and Malkin remind us of the days of old and work together on an awesome play that results in so many frustrated groans when it goes just wide. Boucher goes down hard but rebounds with a heavy shot that's like, this close. Talbot steals the puck like it's someone else's woman. MAF with a sick toe save.

Finally, finally something pulls through.
Fedo to Malkin. Malkin back to Fedo.
Shot.
Clemmensen gets a huge piece of it.
White has a chance to save it.
It still makes it over the line.

Somehow, this lead even feels safe.

"THE SAVE" AWARD
Because I know you aren't idiots, I won't give you a history lesson.
1991.
Playoff Series.
Stastny.
Pietrangelo.
You know of what I speak.
MAF stood tall tonight, and Pietrangelo would be proud. MAF is sick with the glove. But this award doesn't go to MAF.
Oh, that's right.
Another Mark Eaton award.

Mark Eaton showed up again in this game. We're pleased. We're not saying we want to keep him, but he's making us not so remorseful that we have to put him on the ice to advertise him to other teams from time to time. This time he went above and beyond, even if unwittingly.

There's a scramble in the crease. Gionta got out his swimming trunks and started doing the backstroke in the paint, his favorite pass time.


Mark Eaton's leg whips the puck out of the net, a half an inch away from letting it be a goal. As said a million times on the television, you have to see white between the line and the puck. It wasn't there. If it was, this game could have been a completely different story.

Mark Eaton, we take back one eighth of the bad shit we say about you.
Thanks for being a man tonight.

The lifeguard blows his whistle at Gionta and makes him sit on the beach chairs for two minutes for "horseplay" which was clearly forbidden in the pool rules, had he looked upon entrance.
Rule number five, douche.

THE FRIENDLY FIRE AWARD
Whits lets loose some flying leather that could easily kill anyone standing in the wa-
HOLY FUCK FEDO, DUCK!!!
Oh my god.
Ruslan's subsequent journey:

DENIAL
"Whits isn't even back yet. I must be hallucinating."
ANGER
"I'm going to die at a fucking Devils game?"
BARGAINING
"Just let me live until the Avalanche game. I want to die while laughing."
DEPRESSION
"I might as well just collapse right now."
ACCEPTANCE
"At least it's not the Isles."

Luckily the collapse in the "depression" stage saved him.
Curry was laughing the whole time. He thought it was hysterical.
And that is why bad things happen to good people.
/meaning of life.

FASTEST PERIOD EVER
The third period is a blur of great things.
We were holding our breath, just praying for the YOU KNOW WHAT.
Bob Errey never once said it.
Maybe he's learned?

Eaton blocks some shit.
We commit some obvious penalties that don't get called.
The Devils fans fail at starting the wave.
MAF is a wall.

Boucher is our new favorite person on the planet.
We get an unnecessarily close MAF camera shot.
Whits gets a broken stick penalty.
Whatevs.
We get the shut out.

OH BURN.
PENS 1 DEVILS 0
SHUT DOWN.


INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

OUR FAVORITE DEBUTANTE AT THE BALL
Boucher is the prettiest of them all.
I hesitate to make a joke about him being a debutante.
He might give me a slapshot to the face.
I probably deserve it.

Boucher is made for us. He looks so good. His passes are like lightening, he takes shots when he should and sometimes when he shouldn't, which we also love.
We want him to hang out with us here in Pittsburgh for a long time.

KIND OF OFF-SALMON ALERT
We are not saying anything negative about Mister Crosby.
We will not start screaming about his amber alert.
We do, however, wonder what the problem is.
He will soon redeem himself and silence the doubters.
Here he is being adorable with MAF.
"HERE IS MY STICK MARC-ANDRE, DO YOU LIKE IT? I PICKED IT OUT OFF OF THE SHELF ALL BY MYSELF."

THE ALL GROWN UP AWARD
Biz Nasty got cross checked by Paul Martin, in a form of what must have been a suicide attempt. Godard gives him that look that says hunger for organs.
Mister Nasty taps him on the shoulder and shakes his head calmly.
Bob Errey talks about how awesome Nasty's hockey has been recently.
Our little brutalizing terror is all grown up.
It's adorable.
In that deadly sort of way.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Philippe Boucher- For reasons stated many times over.
2. Mark Eaton- We loved him for a couple of hours. Way to surprise us.
3. Scott Hartnell- Threw another glove tonight in the Flyers v. Blackhawks game. Thanks for making us realize how much we love our boys.


Oh my god, I just recapped a win.
It's a Boxing Day miracle.
PENS 1
Devils NIL
SHUTOUT

What a game.
Oh, and good morning.


1 comments:

The Goon Blogger said...

Kimberly getting of the bad streak is solid as solid gets. The fine ladies of PH deserve only to recap the finest of games that have been sprinkled lightly with delicious sprinkles and chocolates.

Perhaps it was the Railbender I was drinking at my friends (best Beer ever, btw) but I giggled at Tenk almost getting decapitated for a good 30 minutes. Much like I giggled at his downward spiral into acceptance, only to be save.

I would've commented sooner, but I was getting worked like the front end of Malkin's hair. It was ALL business today at the restaurant, and there was certainly NO party in the back. Shameful.

 
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