Thursday, November 20, 2008

your high school hockey team versus crosby's left testicle

Did this game even happen?
We were watching a feed of Atlanta's broadcast.
It's just like FSN-P, except shitty.
They have Georgia Power instead of Consol Energy.
Let's move on to the awards.

BEST FANS IN THE NHL
Colby Armstrong's childhood neighbors in Saskatoon found a pond somewhere and screamed louder than the city of Atlanta tonight. We're also pretty sure their announcers are some dudes they picked up trying to scalp tickets outside the arena. They might have seen three hockey games in their lives, so they're probably Atlanta's most loyal fans. They can't figure out which penalties were being tacked onto our defensemen during the first period--we think they made them up.

It's really nice when the fans can step up to fill in key roles. Check out all those empty seats. You may say that my empty seats comment has no credence because it's intermission, but actually no one in Atlanta leaves their seats during intermission, because they're scared they might miss something.

In another interesting promotion by the Thrashers, if you're the 5434th person to text PLAY to 6969, the Thrashers might let you play on a line with Kozlov against Columbus on Saturday.

THE GOAL YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE
Kozlov's.
Who wouldn't want to skate on a line with him?
Here is Kozlov in a recent game against the Boston Bruins, about to have his anus violated by Phil Kessel:

It's good that he can still get cheap tip-ins to put the Thrashers in the lead.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A COMMERCIAL BREAK
Men's Warehouse shows up twice during the commercial break, a bad omen for Atlanta since none of their men can rock a suit. When they come back, Atlanta is caught doing some serious Colbycam. Camming your players before they score pretty much always means they won't. Sorry, Colbs.

Colby looks scared of Miroslav, don't you think?
Moments later, we are informed that Crosby bought Armstrong dinner tonight. We're not going to go there. He must have forgotten to order dessert because he stole a cookie from Max Talbot in the neutral zone or some shit.

Next thing you know, Satan himself comes up with his own cheap tip-in.



BIGGEST BROADCAST MISTAKE
Everyone watching the game realizes that they were accidentally shown twenty minutes of freshman boys' ice hockey practice at some rink in southern Texas. The teams, having been informed of this during intermission, decide to start getting nasty. Kovalchuk outskates someone and falls down in shock of his achievement, and then leads the most embarrassing 2-on-1 we've seen so far this season. The Penguins answer with another embarrassing 5-on-3 performance. If they'd had the 2-man disadvantage, they probably would have buried it.

REBIRTH OF THE CROSBY HIGHLIGHT REEL
Tyler Kennedy throws the puck at the net like a champ, and Crosby is there to score from his ass. It's one of those legendary Crosby goals that YouTube is all about. We love to see that shit, especially from TK, who is, after all, the new face of the NHL.

THE MOMENT YOU STARTED WORRYING ABOUT DANY SABOURIN
You'd forgotten Sabu's ability to epic fail, but then some joke named Jim Slater buries a wraparound. By the end of the second period, Sabourin has only seen eleven shots and allowed two goals, the same amount that Ondrej Pavelec has allowed after seeing 24.

You've never seen fans so stoked about a tie game before. Someone probably gives out free acid and Thrashers sweaters to get people to come to this arena.

WE INTERRUPT THIS RECAP TO BRING YOU A VERY IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Puck Huffers is pleased to announce:
WE ENDORSE ALEX GOLIGOSKI FOR THE CALDER TROPHY.

He is one of the best offensive defensemen to make a debut in years.
In the second period, he channeled Sidney Crosby by taking his own passes in Atlanta's zone and outskating at least three assholes.
He leads rookie defensemen so far this season in points, with 9.
The last d-man to win was Barret Jackman. Jokes.
Who else are you gonna give it to? Luke Schenn?
ALEX GOLIGOSKI FOR CALDER.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled recap.

MOST UNEXPECTED RUINER OF LIVES
Kris Letang is a great defenseman. He crushes dreams with his diving poke-check, and once he destroys all existing tape of his patented shootout move, he'll be money at that again, too. He can hit. He knows how to deliver a good one. But he's not a big guy and you're not used to seeing him plant someone's head into the corner boards like that. He pulled an Orpik on Todd White, who was unable to regain his balance and skate off the ice on his own. We hope he's okay and all, but DAMN TANGER. Ka-ching.

HONORARY THIRD PERIOD TEAM AWARD
Tonight, Dany Sabourin was the only Penguin getting his stomach pumped during second intermission after ODing on sleeping pills. Sabu is huge during the third period, stopping two shorthanded breakaway chances and God knows what else. This time he was the reason we had to be a third period team in the first place (two goals on eleven shots? seriously?) but we forgive him.

BIRTHDAY PRESENT AWARD
Sykora gets a stick on the game winner, a shot by Crosby. He turned 32 yesterday.
We love Petr Sykora. We find it interesting that he used to have a pet chinchilla, since he's basically the human embodiment of the chinchilla spirit.
The childlike wonder on Petr Sykora's face during a goal celebration is what being a Penguin is all about.


INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

FAILEST ABORTION
Whoever was screaming "LET'S GO THRASHERS" throughout the game, trying to get a chant started in an empty fucking arena.
It made our ears bleed.
It's okay to cheer for your team in an obnoxious way, but when you're the only person saying anything, you should probably shut up.

THE GEORGIA ANSWER TO DANNY POTASH

This bitch.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Petr Fever - There ain't no cure.

2. Tyler Kennedy - Fastest man alive.

3. Ilya Kovalchuk - Forgot to point at someone.

PENS 3 THRASHERS 2
We normally say "what a game" right here.
But we're still not sure what happened.

6 comments:

The Goon Blogger said...

I wanted to see Colby Armstrong try to fight Godard. I was filled with giggles when Go-Go almost connected with the hip check and then Armstrong's subsequent pissyness. Maybe you shouldn't have tried to deliver your patented hit to Sid earlier in the game?

Solid as always ladies!

Noodles and Henrik said...

We've been trying to start a "Goligoski for Norris" campaign since Sweden but so far no one agrees with us. (Noodles is in love with him which means it's the kiss of death for his career.)

Petr Sykora is what being a Penguin is all about. We would totally drink his Kool-Aid.

Allison said...

Sweet jesus, great post.
From the atlanta promotion, to the kessel picture and from kris destroying his tapes to 'the failest abortion', you guys (gals really) had me cracking up! Keep it up.

And as an aside, I'm pretty sure Kris's arms could give MAF's polo a run for its money.

Docciavelli said...

Just FYI--I'm not endorsing the GoGo for Calder. I have to go Drew Doughty. I've seen the kid play 4 times now, and each game he looks more like the Dion Phaneuf of '08-'09.

Last night Doughty pretty much shut down Ovechkin every time they were matched. That's worth a Calder in my book. Oh, and he didn't make any dumbshit plays at the point while on the PP.

Other than that, nice recap.

debrisslide said...

docciavelli, it's more about thinking Alex Goligoski is awesome than actually thinking he can win the Calder Trophy. We're sure there are more amazing guys out there who aren't making rookie mistakes. But we love Goligoski and he's on our team and it'd be pompous and cynical of us to behave any other way. We love Goligoski. THE END. ;)

Team Canada said...

I am enjoying this blog so freaking much.

Also, WOOOHHOOOO Saskatoon!!

 
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