This game was mud in about seventy different ways.
Whatever, we're over it.
Here are the awards.
MOMENT YOU BARELY REMEMBERED BY THE END OF THE GAME
Anything that happened last night. 2:00 pm games are a joke. The only people watching this game that weren’t hung over were children and pussies. The NHL should reconsider its fanbase when planning games like this. Whatever reason they give you for early games is untrue. They’re just being dicks.
BEST FIGHT BEFORE THE FIRST MINUTE WAS UP
When most people were still heading to their couch with a sandwich to settle in and watch the game, Matt Cooke reminded us that missing a second of hockey is inexcusable. 25 seconds into the game he lands a hard, low blow and suddenly we can’t keep track of all of the fists being thrown. Cooke is fighting Hansen, TK is on Kesler and Orpik is on Burrows. We can’t even see all of the fights at once, the camera men are just showing you which one is more exciting at any given moment. We all try to figure out when the hell we started hating the Canucks so badly.
Bob Errey can’t control his bliss and giggles throughout the whole thing.
From Matt Cooke: “I am a Pittsburgh Penguin now.” Damn straight you are.
WORST LIFE DECISION MADE BY A REF
Let’s hope the ref isn’t too fond of his home, because Therrien’s about to become an arsonist. Orpik’s fight started earlier but the Refs were too busy jerking each other off to notice it. Cooke and Hansen get shown the door for game misconduct. The ref has no idea what he has just done. Therrien is pouring gasoline on his lawn as you read this.
Keeping with the spirit of the game, Talbot gets into a scuffle with O’Brien and gets sent to hang out with TK and Orpik in the penalty box, which is starting to look more like a frat party.
MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY
Reaching out to block a Boucher shot that went wide, Luongo goes down, something up with his leg. Luongo is a beast in the net and was headed for the Vezina and is an all around good guy to boot. Hopefully nothing too bad happened and he’ll be back in it in a few games.
Curtis Sanford, celebrated actor, takes the net for the rest of the game.
LEAST EFFECTIVE EXCHANGE OF POWER PLAYS
One of the Sedins - who the fuck cares which - hooks Crosby. We get a few close ones. Fedo gets sent to the box for slashing. Bob Errey talks about short sticks for two minutes and it’s over. There is a brief break in the exchange of penalties in which GoGo slaps one towards the net like a man. GoGo for Calder. It misses, but we are consoled by Max Talbot being an ass in an A&L Motor Sales commercial. We get one more chance to not ruin a PP when a puck sails over the glass. Mud.
ACADEMY AWARD WINNING PERFORMANCE
Curtis Sanford only plays hockey because he didn’t make it onto Broadway. Staalsy gets directed into Sanford by Ohlund and Sanford’s head taps the post. He will never walk again. He can’t breathe. He thinks his retina detached. He is bleeding everywhere. There has never been a worse injury in hockey history. Somehow we think he’ll live.
THE TWINCEST BAIT AWARD
Eventually something actually happens. Too bad it’s Demitra skating around the net and shoveling one in, assisted by the wonder twins.
They just creep us out.
The first ends, it’s 0-1
BEST DISPLAY OF SELF PROMOTION
Boucher gives an interview with Potash in the intermission report that makes us love him even more. Just in case we weren’t convinced enough by his off-ice appearance, he comes back and kills a Canucks power play single handedly. Boucher, if that was you asking if we want to be your best friends, the answer is yes. What a guy.
MOST IMPRESSIVE CASE OF HYPNOSIS PREFORMED ON AN ENTIRE NHL TEAM
During the intermission someone decided to try and sabotage the Pens by hypnotizing them all into believing that the puck would explode if they touched it. This resulted in a game of hot potato as everyone tried to get the puck to the Canucks as fast as they possibly could.
Teaching us a lesson in the limits of hypnosis were Boucher and Letang. Lefties are incapable of having their minds controlled via hypnotism. It isn’t enough to carry us, though, and one of the wonder twins gets it in.
MOST DONATIONS TO THE LOST AND FOUND
Dupuis loses his stick, Letang loses a helmet, The Penguins lose their memories of how to play hockey. You almost lose your breakfast (fucking 2pm game) when you see Crosby wrap around the Canuck’s goal post and take a second getting up. It’s already speculated that he’s injured, it’s not like he really needs anything else.
The rest of the second period is a blur. Zoe and I waste time wondering if I could outdrink Max Talbot. He’s playing like he had a rough night.
THE THANK YOU FOR REMINDING US THAT THIS IS PENS HOCKEY AWARD
Just in case you forgot the phrase “third period team” Ziggy takes a pass from TK from the faceoff circle and reminds you. We all breathe a sigh of relief, suddenly remembering how these things tend to go.
The rest of the third period is just a waiting game for us tying it in the last 30. Or at least that’s what we had hoped. Every near miss you jumped out of your seats, ready to be as excited as a Thrashers fan for a tie game.
At first you are so care-free that you can giggle at Talbot’s preference for purple Gatorade. Around the three minute mark those nerves that we know all too well started to kick in.
When we pull Sabu, the mood is grim. The Canuks give us more of an excuse to be, sinking in an empty netter at 19:48.
THE INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE AWARD
Curtis Sanford, please save your theatrics for pretending to not stare at little boys in public. Thank you in advance.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Boucher- The man is quickly becoming one of our favorites. He stepped up this game and let us know that he could PK with the best of them.
2. Letang- Tanger has been stepping it up recently. Not that he didn’t wow us before, just now he’s really pushing it into overdrive.
3. The Wonder Twins – If you were watching FSN there was a bench view of these tools mirroring one another’s actions that made you wonder if you were as drunk as Max Talbot was last night. It was creepy.
PENS 1 CANUCKS 3
What a game.
Hopefully we never lose again.