Wednesday, November 26, 2008

"i know it stings, but it's a good sting"

Thank god for the Penguins goaltending situation.
John Curry has yet to allow a goal in his shiny new NHL uniform.
We have some hella awards to give out.

MOMENT YOU BARELY REMEMBERED BY THE END OF THE GAME
The entire first period?
Were you even awake?
Dany Sabourin wasn't.

Joey MacDonald is huge.

LEAST TO SHOW FOR A STELLAR EFFORT
The Penguins get an early power play, and they're getting plenty of shots in. You're thinking about the power play being Jesus and can't wait to see it again, when Dougie Weight buries it.
Less than a minute later, Trent Hunter thinks he's Evgeni Malkin and gives a really sick release on a backhand. Sabu is a suicide risk. Errey blames his new mask, which is fugz.


MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY
Can Max Talbot get an NHL game in without someone trying to attack him because of his unadulterated sexiness?
Some moron tries to dump the puck in and gets Maxime's skate instead. He can't put weight on it and has to be helped off.
He doesn't return.
It's okay. If it broke something, that means he'll come back in a playoff series against the Flyers and score on his knee like a man.
We're not worried.

BIGGEST SECRET MARIJUANA OPERATION IN THE STATE OF NEW YORK
Penguins are still smoking up. Nassau Coliseum has a grow-op in their basement.

Godard drops the gloves with Mitch Fritz, who is as big as Hal Gill but nastier. Godard looks twelve next to him, gets half-naked, bloodies his face.
What a circus freak Mitch Fritz is.

THE MOMENT YOU KNEW IT WAS BAD
What should have been an easy glove save for Sabourin turns into a 3-0 lead for the Islanders. Steiggy talks about MacDonald's first career shutout. Thank god Steiggy jinxed him. Sabu retreats to the locker room to roll another fattie.
What the fuck, man?

We hope you like Indian food, 'cause it's CURRY TIME.

HIDDEN OFFENSIVE WEAPON AWARD
The Penguins get a fuckton of shorthanded chances during an Islanders power play. Curry doesn't have to do much except deal with assholes trying to have sex with him in the crease.

Still trying to figure out what's going on here.
The momentum from the sick penalty kill sneaks the puck to Brooks Orpik, whose slapshot finds the net through an insane amount of traffic. 3-1 Islanders. And the second is over. Therrien makes sure to hide the weed before the Pens make it to the locker room.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN INTERMISSION REPORT
Men's Warehouse shows up twice during intermission.
We're calling it fate.

THE BEST NON-GOAL EVER

Crosby is hungry for something. The press photography at Nassau Coliseum is epic. He protects the puck like it's his firstborn child and throws it at the net. Ten people try to get a handjob from MacDonald. Net comes off. No goal because. . .the puck came into the net with an Islanders defenseman? The referee is actually DiPietro in disguise.

THE SAY NO TO DRUGS AWARD
Crosby leaves a drop pass to Malkin, who only receives it because the Islanders are retarded. Malkin skates in and throws the puck at the net. Crosby picks up the trash like MacDonald is a QMJHL rookie. Perfect play plus epic fail equals GOAL. Crosby earns it. . .again.


FASTEST ARENA EMPTYING IN THE NHL, ESPECIALLY FOR AN ARENA THAT WAS ALREADY EMPTY
Malkin's first game-tying goal? Routine shit. Malkin does that in his spare time.
Malkin's second goal?
Crosby pickpockets some Islander, falls down.
Malkin falls down. Malkin still has the puck. Suddenly, Joey MacDonald doesn't.

EPIC.
Empty netters complete hatties as good as anything else.

O HAI MAI NAME IS EVGENI I CAN HAS YOUR HATS?

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
YOU'VE JUST WON A MILLION DOLLARS FROM PUCKHUFFERS' CLEARINGHOUSE
Andy Sutton.
Huge giveaway.
Thanks, buddy.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. John Motherfucking Curry - He stopped every shot he faced. And he took shaving cream to the face from Godard a la TK. We are in love with John Curry.

2. Joey MacDonald - Ain't nothing like choking. Malkin tends to make those types of things happen.

3. Brooks Orpik - Two point night. Candy deliveries going on everywhere.

PENGUINS 5 ISLANDERS 3
We won it fair and square as Ryan Whitney's jaw.
What a game.

4 comments:

Allison said...

Great fucking post. I would not be the least bit suprise if there was a serious growing operation going on here on the island.

Allison said...

Goddard getting half naked

Noodles and Henrik said...

"We won it fair and square as Ryan Whitney's jaw."
Any mention of Ryan Whitney in a recap deserves to be read.

Curry getting shaving-creamed by Godard made our Thanksgiving.

Allison said...

And after seeing the video om tPB, I now fully appreciate the greatness of the title of this post.

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoë Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.