Saturday, November 29, 2008

highlight reel city

For the start of this season, the only reason we were winning games was from gritty, secondary scoring. It showed the rest of the league that you don't need a big name to be godlike in a Penguins uniform--we play a great offensive system and we have the energy to make it work at all levels. Our third line, on some nights, is the sickest line in hockey. Not many teams can say that.

Recently, Crosby and Malkin have been reminding us not to forget them. Malkin had a hattie against the Isles. Crosby had a two-goal game against the Sabres. And, well. . .you know what happened. Sidney Crosby led the team to make the Devils play Penguins hockey. Simple as that.

Here are the awards that we love so dearly.

BEST GOAL EVER THAT I DIDN'T EVEN SEE
I was driving back from getting FUCKING BBQ with my parents. I'm driving from Fayette County, PA back to Bruins land tomorrow and I thought we'd never get home in time for this game. I heard Mike Lange announce the opening faceoff. By the time I made it in the house, it was 1-0. Luckily, the goal was so incredible that they replayed it five thousand times, eclipsing the gorgeousness of my half-rack of ribs. Hear that, everyone: Sidney Crosby is more delicious than tender, sauce-slathered pork.

Control the puck, keep it on your stick, backhand it without being able to see it--but only Crosby knows exactly where it's going. Don't think Clemmensen saw it, either.

The rest of the period, no one has any idea what the Devils are doing. You're not worried.

HAPPIEST CHINCHILLA AWARD, PART TWO
Early in the second period, the Devils are considering showing up. Some power plays, some 4-on-4. During a Penguins power play, Petr Fever parks himself in front of the net. Crosby distracts Clemmensen by sending him telepathic visions of Therrien's rage. Sykora is next to the net for an absolutely sexual dish pass, which he pokes in like it's his job. Here is the sequence of events:

*poke*


AIRBORNE CHINCHILLA

THE "PLAY LIKE YOU'RE LOSING" AWARD
During a huge 4-on-4 situation, you start wondering if the Devils even really needed a fifth guy on the ice to make their defense suck. Malkin pokes the puck to the net while falling on his stomach as if this is the last two minutes of the game and we need to tie it to stay alive in a playoff series. Clemmensen makes the initial save, way out of his crease to challenge the shot, because he's scared of Malkin. You should be, because Crosby was there to find the rebound and bury it into a wide open net. Penguins are suddenly not playing like they have a lead. It's like sex or something.

WORST INTERMISSION
The intermission report dude that no one cares about on FSN says the word "shutout." Ooops.

MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY
Mike Rupp buries it, ruining Sabu's shutout in the third period. You're wondering why the announcers haven't learned not to jinx their team. Press photography takes no pictures of the goal in protest of its existence, so technically there's no record of it ever happening except in your memory. And if you get drunk like the Devils' supposed "neutral zone trap" system, you might just forget. Sabu earned a shutout. Suck it.

This cringe-worthy moment is also due to the only mistake of Rob Scuderi's career. People were starting to realize he is actually God. He had to put a stop to that or else he'd stop being the league's most secret deity. A secret deity is much more omnipotent.

THE MOMENT YOU KNEW JAY CAUFIELD WAS GONNA TALK ABOUT FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES STRAIGHT
At some point, Jersey gets a three-on-one against Malkin. Malkin could probably have taken them all by himself anyway, but the two Jersey d-men hang back at the blueline, allowing Malkin to stand right next to some joke and ruin his chance at a shorthanded goal. Jersey's defense commits suicide at center ice in celebration.

WORST GOALTENDING DECISION OF THE NIGHT, LEAGUE-WIDE
Devils pull Clemmensen with over two minutes left in the third. If they thought they could contain the Penguins with their shutdown defense, they were obviously high, because they hadn't shown up for the entire fucking game. Crosby splits the d-men and scores into an empty net from his stomach. Even his empty-netter looked epic.

Sidney Crosby has to earn his hat tricks.
It's 4-1 and the Devils don't have shit to say.
As the clock winds down, you remember why this is Penguins hockey.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST RAPE BY A GOAL-SCORER TONIGHT

Somehow, Mike Rupp and Crosby end up on the ice together. Crosby punches him because our good friend Mikey was fishing for a free blowjob. Sidney Crosby doesn't give freebies.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. President TK - Still ruining lives. He had a great assist on Sykora's goal. Our president-elect Kennedy doesn't give up on a play. Ever.

2. Kris Letang - Bob Errey loves Kris Letang like he's his own child. Every time Letang took a shot, the joy in Errey's voice was unmistakable. Letang's gonna bury one real soon. We're guaranteeing a goal for him in the month of December. You heard it here first.

3. Zach Parise - The fact that he didn't actually show up tonight allowed some other people on his team to have their place in the sun.

PENGUINS 4 DEVILS 1
What a game.
Sorry our recaps are short, but we've been watching the games on our home TVs which means that instead of AIMing to each other while watching jumpy feeds of joke television networks and taking screencaps and talking about extremely gay sex, we're screaming and apparently watching $10 Sidney Crosby DVDs at Kim's house and forgetting to sleep.
Recaps will improve when we're back in the wasteland non-Pittsburgh cities of America.
Hope your holiday weekends weren't balls.
HOW 'BOUT THEM PENS?

2 comments:

Allison said...

"the only mistake of Rob Scuderi's career. People were starting to realize he is actually God. He had to put a stop to that"
good to see I'm not the only one who recognized that he only made that mistake to make people believe he is human.

The Goon Blogger said...

Rob Scuderi just got blinded by the lense flare that reflected off his impressive jaw line. He's jaw line is so epic it even distracts him sometimes.

Rob Scuderi got signed to a 4 year deal by Barack Obama to be a shot blocker.

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoë Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.